Learning as I go

Year 2011 In Review

2012-01-05T11:51:00.002-06:00

[NOTE-1/5/2012: This is the letter that I mailed out to over 160 friends and family, most of which are not on Facebook. However, in order to include my friends who are connected in the digital world, I thought I'd post the letter to my blog and provide the link to whomever may be interested in reading. I think I may go all electronic next year since these days time is more precious than money. This year's letter required about 15 hours for creating and processing, and $150 for postage, stationary and pictures. I was only able to finish it all by sending Zac to "Gwamma DD's" and stayed up til 2am. SHEW! However, I enjoyed the creative process and hope that our love for all who read is evident.]

Greetings friends and family -- December 28, 2011

It’s that time when I reflect over the past 12 months and decide which of the highlights I want to share with you. Since most of our energies are focused on adjusting to the role of parenthood (yea – it’s been almost three years but still…), it turns out that most of it is about Zachary but I hope you’re still entertained.

Jan/Feb: Started out the year with icy weather and for three days the first part of Feb. we were snowed in (work shut down and everything). However, it quickly melted and we were able to get together to celebrate Zac’s 2-year birthday (2/8). For an undetermined reason, Zac cries whenever he hears a group of people singing “Happy Birthday” whether it’s his birthday or someone else’s. But once we got him calmed down, he enjoyed the Elmo cake that my mother-in-law (“Nana”) lovingly baked for him. Zac’s vocabulary is increasing daily and includes phrases such as “Hasta bago” (Hasta luego) and “Hasta nannana” (Hasta mañana). I actually had my first telephone conversation with him while I was on a business trip, which was very cool.

Mar/Apr: Zac has started to respond with, “Zac busy!” when we ask him to do something (cracks us up). He’s also discovered “Thomas the Train” and is quickly becoming obsessed. He’s starting to sing a lot, mostly absent-mindedly as he plays, but he will NOT sing upon request. (Obviously takes after Michael in this regard since I have never turned down the chance to perform for an audience.) PRECIOUS MOMENT: Zac said, “I love you,” for the first time to Michael and then to me a few days later. Awwww…

May: Big changes for my Mom (“Gwamma DD”) this month. She decided to sell her house across town and move 0.7 miles down from us. I was out of town attending our annual sales meeting for work the week she moved, but thanks to the help of friends, she got everything transferred. Zac loves going over to play in her big back yard where they discover all sorts of interesting things (e.g. tadpoles, weird bugs, frogs, etc). He has also spent a few Saturday nights with her and then gone with her to her big church downtown on Sunday mornings. According to her, he’s an angel (can’t imagine that would be the case if we were there…).

June/July: The long, hot, record-breaking temperatures of Summer 2011 began around this time so we signed Zac up for swimming lessons with my ‘surrogate nephew,’ Kameron. His vocabulary is phenomenal and consistently offers laughable moments. He knows his name now and has figured out that we have names other than Mommy and Daddy.

Aug: I just celebrated my 7^th year with the same company. Although, I did a count and in that time I’ve had 8 bosses, 5 titles/roles and 3 company name changes. This month I tacked on a 6^th title, which included a promotion to management. I have one person reporting to me and together we are responsible for managing all incoming sales inquiries into our company which requires us to have a strong knowledge of all 50+ of our products and in turn route each request to the proper sales director. My role hasn’t particularly changed – I’m now doing the job of one person instead of two! And, God granted me spot-on wisdom in choosing an excellent candidate to fill the new position. Her name is Ashley and she’s a California transplant who moved to OK this summer. I’m very fortunate to have her on my team.

We decided it was time to move Zac out of his crib and found a great deal on a bunk-bed set on Craig’s List. So in one night he went from a crib to a twin bed. However, the way this set is designed, he’s in a bit of an ‘alcove’ with the top bunk over his head (T-shaped) and shelves and a desk on the sides which keep him reined in and protected from falling out. After a couple of nights he kept telling me, “Mommy, I love my new bed.”

Sept/Oct: On a night the middle of Sept, we had a big thunderstorm roll through around 10pm and as Zac and I were watching the rain from his bedroom window (which opens to our front yard), a bolt of lightning struck less than 15’ in front of us. I thought it had zapped our tree, but it was still standing. A couple of toys in Zac’s room started blinking and from a distance we smelled something electrical burning. We both looked at each other with wide-eyed amazement, then I grabbed him and ran upstairs to check on Michael. It ended up blitzing several of our electronic components (TV, DVD players, etc), all three of our garage door openers and our upstairs heat/air fan unit. Thankfully, the surge protectors guarded our computers from any damage.

Weeks later, we had three 4.5+ level earthquakes that hit central Oklahoma. I felt all three of them, the second of which was with Zac in his room. I have to admit that I was pretty freaked out. Not sure why, other than an earthquake is just not something I expect to encounter in OK. And knowing that our structures are not built to withstand too much of that type of shaking up, well, it’s just kinda nerve-wracking.

On a fun note, I went on a 3-day trip up to Kansas City with my long-time friend, Treasure the end of Sept for a much-needed girls-only weekend. There was an arts festival going on and the weather was perfect so it was a great get away all around.

The weekend after that, we took Zac to the OK Railway Museum in OKC for a “Day out with Thomas” (www.thomasandfriends.com/dowt/). This is an actual train (no engine) that looks just like the cartoon character. They have several passenger cars attached to it (a real engine pulls on the opposite end) which chug slowly for a 1-mile there-and-back ride. In his typical fashion, Zac was pretty pensive and quiet during the experience – observing, listening and taking it all in. But after a night of sleep and processing, he talked about it incessantly for several days after that.

The following week I was blessed with visits from three different friends:

Melissa, who was my ‘best friend’ the early years of high school in Nebraska but she moved to Arizona and I’d lost touch with her. Thanks to the Internet, we connected two years ago and have kept in touch since. But we finally got to see each other when she flew to Tulsa for a few days. Even after 28 years, we still have a similar chemistry and connection based on comedic wit, similar love for beautiful things and a solid understanding of each other in spite of our varied life experiences over the years.

Shawna, whom I’ve thankfully remained connected to since meeting her my Junior year of college. She was actually here on my birthday so that was extra special. She’s the mother of two boys, ages 7 & 3, and her wisdom and insight is precious to me with regard to Zac.

Sherry and I met while attending the same church here in Tulsa back in ’95. She moved to Phoenix in ’97 but her parents still live here so I get to see her at least once a year. During these visits she always makes sure that the two of us get some time together which I truly value and appreciate.

The remainder of the year has been full of big work-related projects for both Michael and me. Michael has been with his company for 11.5 years and the last quarter of every year is packed with trying to get the following year’s product catalogs ready. Since they have several brands and markets scattered around the globe, this arduous task involves several languages and product variations. But, once again he survived and we’re now both enjoying a two-week break at the end of the year.

Other challenges include my extreme annoyance of the fact that I have to wear reading glasses any time I have to read something these days. A lifetime of perfect vision seems to have ended. On a more serious note, a constant challenge is learning how to be patient with Zac as he becomes more capable. I know one thing without a doubt – I could not handle being a single parent. I frequently thank God for Michael and the partnership that we have. I was grateful for this before Zac. I’m even MORE grateful for it now.

I leave you with a final Zac story that just happened last week. Recently it has become more difficult to keep Zac in bed at night once we initially put him there. We’ve even gone as far as putting a childproof thing on the inside of his door so he can’t get out (don’t worry – we open it once we know he’s sleeping). But, that doesn’t stop him from banging on the door and coming out with a variety of requests such as, “Mommy! I’m thirsty,” or “Daddy! I want some toast” (he doesn’t even like toast). We’ve learned that if we ignore him he’ll eventually fall asleep. On this particular night I’d ignored him for 10 minutes but after another of his random outbursts I decided to go in and check on him and this time his excuse was, “I’m scared of that light,” -- the nightlight we’ve turned on every night for at least a year. So, I told him I’d lay down with him for a few minutes. As we lay there I reminded him of what he needed to do when he was scared which is to pray something like, “Jesus, please help me and protect me.” He quickly repeated the prayer aloud, and then hesitated as if he was waiting for Jesus to appear right there. Then with obvious certainty he said, “Jesus is probably getting Spider Man!”

So, as we embark on yet another year, I pray that you are filled with peace, guidance and wisdom, and may the angels (and Spider Man) protect you and those you love as you go about your daily activities.

Love-- Lynette, Michael & Zac

Pictures included based on connection type:

All of Michael's family: Parents--Mike & Sofi, Brother & Niece--Leroy & Kinsey, and us

"Crazy Cortezes." Pretty much depicts a normal day in our house these days.

A bit more serious.

My baby-daddy and the man I love. Can you tell?

Stretchin' out the old muscles

2011-01-23T20:24:00.000-06:00

I started becoming an avid, regular journaler in 1990 right after college. It was the first time in my life that I was living 100% on my own terms and I wanted to document it all (ohh... the stories...). I chose to write on 3-hole-punched blank paper and kept it all in 3" ring binders - one binder per year. Then in 2000 I started working at the ballet and my time started becoming drawn out. As a result, my journaling tapered down to about once a month and was condensed into small, lined spiral notebooks. By the time I met Michael in 2004, I was down to only journaling every few months, which is somewhat unfortunate because I don't really have much documentation of the process of falling in love (it's all still very vivid in my mind, however). Once we got married in June 2005 my journaling was non-existent.

Around 2007 I picked up blogging hoping that would take the place of journaling, but writing with the intent of pleasing an audience does not allow for the freedom I'd 'enjoyed' as a private journaler. When I got pregnant in June 2008 I was motivated to document the process both as an outlet and something for "Baby Cortez" to read later on (Now that I have a boy I am doubting his interest in such babbling, but you never know...). However, once he was born all writing of any kind came to a screeching halt. So did a lot of other things important to me. And now...

I don't feel the levels of angst that I did when I actively journaled so the need to express myself privately on paper is not necessary or hold much motivation for me. However, I DO miss writing. And, my counselor is encouraging me to find something creative to do in an attempt to find something that's just mine. So, I figured I'd try to start this up again. But, the old writing muscles are feeling the strain of new activity and I'm having a tough time finding topics to write about. However, I look forward to getting back in shape and hope that I will come up with content that is rewarding to me and enjoyable to whomever shows up and honors me with their time to read (and comment).

So, here's to stretching!!

Good grief. A year???

2011-01-18T20:52:00.004-06:00

I can't believe that I'm just a few days away from a full year having passed since I wrote my last blog entry. Guess I've been busy mommying, wifeying and and everything else that's required to make my life work. However, my therapist keeps encouraging me to do something creative and I'm thinking that blogging/writing is an 'easy' thing for me to start doing... 'easy' meaning that it's familiar and doesn't cost money or require travel. But, trying to come up with topics of interest or write something creative? Well - not so easy. I'm out of practice!

Don't have anything specific to write about today, but consider this as my first installment to get the creative juices flowing in 2011!

My new job

2010-01-23T00:23:00.003-06:00

Thanks to the immediate gratification of Facebook, I haven't had the urge to blog much lately. But, I've hinted around for the past couple of months about a new job so I thought I'd explain the details herein and refer my FBers to this site should they truly be interested.

I hope I don't let you down... It's not that it's super duper exciting. But, for those that have known me for awhile you know that I've struggled over the past 3-4 years at this company due to a lack of strong leadership and focused duties. However, we got a new VP of our department this past October and she's stirring things up. I happen to be one of three people on our team who works outside of the corporate office in Alpharetta, GA. So, I've not had a chance to meet our new VP in person. But, the middle of November I reached out to her to introduce myself over the phone and we ended up having a great conversation. She asked me what I did and I tried to explain it to her. Then she came right out and asked me if I enjoyed what I did and I hesitated, which she took as my answer. But, I quickly clarified that at 41 I still don't know what I want to do when I grow up so there is a bit of frustration on my part because in a lot of ways I feel like I'm wasting time. However, after years of searching, going to life coaches, counselors, etc. I still have not found an answer so I continue to do what shows up and hope for the best. She said she appreciated such an honest answer and after about 40 minutes of good conversation she said, "Lynette - I want you to write out your best qualities and what you enjoy doing. Our company is large enough and growing so that we should be able to find something that utilizes your strengths and brings you a certain level of satisfaction."

I was excited by the thought of such a task. But when I sat down to actually write the list, I was stumped. If a friend asked me for a reference I'd have no problem. But writing down strengths about myself? Well, it just kinda seemed narcissistic and strange. Additionally, I wanted to be strategic about what I listed cuz just because I can do something and am good at it I might not necessarily want to do it as part of my job (e.g. I can type 100+ words per minute but I don't want to sit in a room and type all day long). After 5-6 days, I had my list and I sent it off not really expecting a response.

Three to four weeks later, I got a call from our VP around 4:30 on a Friday afternoon. She opened up the conversation with, "Lynette - I'm going to move you. BUT. Don't panic because I think this is going to be a good move for you because it will utilize your strengths and interests PLUS solve a huge problem for me." I took a deep breath and sat back in my chair to listen.

Summation: I am now the landing spot for all incoming toll free numbers into our company. In the three years that we've been in business, we've done a very poor job of keeping up with any sort of inquiries that come in either via phone, via email or even people who stop by our booths at the various trade shows that we present at every year. This is lost money. So, they decided that having one person to handle it all and to manage a specific process which includes tracking, documenting, following-up, etc., would result in increased revenue and improved company image.

She went on to say, "And, you will no longer be reporting to VR, but instead reporting to JJ." I could not believe it. When I hung up the phone I burst into tears. Because the internet is so public I won't go into the many hours of frustration I've had with VR, my boss of two years. I learned a lot from her but it was more learning by fire and not pleasant in addition to being very, very draining. When I realized that I had been given a free pass out of jail, I literally collapsed to the floor. I HAD NOT LET HER CRUSH ME AND I HAD SOMETHING NEW TO MOVE ONTO!!!! God is so good.

So, this past week was 'dive into the deep end' week and so far I'm really enjoying what I do. It requires that I be articulate, that I have a strong understanding of our company and what we offer (thanks to the past two years of training the sales teams on all of our products/solutions - see - not all wasted time) and that I'm organized and thorough with regards to tracking and following-up. Not sure where this will lead or what it will result in, but I'm enjoying the process and look forward to what lies ahead.

There - now you know. Nothing exciting from the outside, but such a HUGE relief and tremendous blessing for me. We'll see what unfolds.

Happy 1 year birthday, Zac!

2009-05-29T23:02:00.003-05:00

It was one year ago this date, May 29, 2008, that the mass of cells were created that would become Zachary Aidan Cortez. As I held him in my arms tonight to feed him his last bottle of the day, I sat in awe while I looked at his beautiful little face, soft skin, eyelashes, perfect lips and ever growing body. I don't understand how a mass of cells can become this amazing little human being, but I'm glad that it does and that it worked for Michael and me.

Overall the past month has been a good one but has definitely provided some intense challenges. I'm back in full swing at work which makes it very, very difficult to get "it" all done. ha! Who am I kidding? I ain't gettin' "it" all done. This has been a hard pill for me to swallow, especially since my mother-in-law is here full-time and has not only taken over the duties of caring for Zac five days a week, but she also does laundry, cleans and cooks dinners! I've got plenty of friends who work full time and have kids and do NOT have that kind of help AND have to get to the daycare by a certain time to pick up their kids. I don't know how they do it. And, because of this, I feel like a total loser.

But, I can't compare myself to other people. I've learned a long time ago that doing that is the quickest way to depression. And speaking of depression... I'm realizing that the "de-pregnatizing process" is a bitch. Worse for me than the actual 9 months of pregnancy was. My hormones are a mess, my hair is falling out in clumps and my body still feels all weird and not quite right. It took me nine months to get ready and then *WHOOP* within moments Zac was ripped out of me leaving my body in one helluva heap. Not sure if I'll ever be the same again.

Two comments/questions that I'm consistently asked are:
1) Have you ever felt love like this before like you have for Zac?
2) Yea - having kids turns your life upside down, but it's all worth it!

These frustrate me and this is how I wish I could respond without making people feel like heels for saying anything:
1) Yes - I have felt love like this before - for myself and for Jesus. Love for Michael is up there pretty high too. It's not that I don't love Zac and it's not like I don't shower him with affection and attention. But, I'm not feeling this rip-my-heart-out response that people keep alluding to. Should I???

2) I am in mourning over the loss of my old life and haven't quite reached the "it's worth it" part yet. I remember when I was preparing to get married I was afraid that it might be a tough adjustment to have someone around me all the time after living alone for 18 years. But, Michael and I do life pretty similarly and we give each other a lot of freedom to be ourselves. So, instead of it cramping my lifestyle, it has enhanced it because I get to do what I want AND have my best friend around me whenever I want. Doesn't get much better than that! But now as a mother, EVERYTHING is changing. There isn't one part of my life that isn't affected by the presence of Zac. It's not that I resent him, but I don't think there's any amount of preparing that a person could do to get ready for this upheaval. All the books and head knowledge in the world can not set a person up for the experience. Perhaps this is where my age becomes a bit of a detriment since I'd had a chance to plot out a pretty even course for my life before Zac and now that's all been changed. Doesn't mean I won't adjust again, but it's definitely been the biggest adjustment of my life so far and quite frankly it is NOT feeling "worth it" quite yet. Perhaps when he starts talking and becoming more interactive then I'll start feeling the grooviness?? Time will tell.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I'm just in shock, I think. And, as mentioned, I'm still adjusting. Being Lynette, I don't do anything half-ass and quite honestly, I can't think of a more demanding and unrelenting task than raising a child well. So, it's going to take awhile but I'm pretty sure that we'll figure it out as we go along.

In the meantime, I am very thankful for my beautiful son, my encouraging, helpful, amazing husband and my generous, attentive and gentle mother-in-law who has uprooted her life to help us raise our son.

Things I've learned thus far

2009-04-22T11:36:00.008-05:00

Over the course of the past two-plus months that I've been a parent, several people have asked me if there is anything that I've learned that I didn't know before. As a whole I would say "No." However, one can be intellectually aware of certain things but not have any on-hand experience which adds a completely different dimension. That is where I'm at.

Below is a list of a few things that I've experienced on my own terms:
1. Every day with an infant is a new day. I've deduced that they add something to their bag of tricks at least every six hours - a new cry, a new movement, more alertness, longer chunks of sleep, more poop, etc. This is a good thing to remember because what might be a frustration one day could easily become a distant memory the next day.
2. You can get a lot more milk out of your boobs if you massage them while you pump. If I didn't do this my baby would starve to death and my boobs would explode!
3. Don't resent the crying. That's their only way to communicate and if I were limited to only that you'd probably NEVER get me to shut up. Actually, according to my parents that was the case with me as a baby! ha! This helps me realize that when he does cry I don't have to jump up and freak out to try and console him immediately. If I know what the problem is, then I'll take care of it. May take a few minutes to warm up the bottle or get to the diaper changing, but it will happen.
4. Thank God for my husband. I wasn't exactly sure how Michael would be with a baby because I had never seen him around one. But, I know him to be a gentle, tender, attentive man, so I figured he might need awhile to warm up to it but eventually he'd be great. Turns out, he immediately activated into the Protective Daddy/Husband role and several times has been the one to offer me tips and advice on how to best care for our son. What a blessing! I never wanted it to be the "Just Mommy" show and he has definitely stepped up to the tasks at hand.
5. It's difficult to leave my son with anyone but Michael. Last week was my first week back to work. Michael took the week off and took care of Zac so when people asked me if I'd had a hard time going back to work I said NO. But, this week, my mother-in-law moved in and has started taking care of Zac for us and, well, I found out that I DID have a hard time after all. Not that she isn't capable and trust-worthy and his safety is not what concerns me. Rather, it's the little nagging doubts in his psyche that could start developing when he looks around and doesn't see mommy or daddy. I know I can't protect him from everything and I realize that learning good survival and coping skills requires facing adversity. But then another part of me wants to protect him as long as I can from pain of any kind. I got through the pain, however. I cried for a few minutes, dried up, put on my makeup and headed out to work and didn't get home until 7pm that night. Zac was fine when I got home.
6. A peaceful home is becoming even MORE important to me. Once I got out of college and started life on my own terms, I became dedicated to making my home a refuge from the crazy world and a place of peace. This does not mean that frustrations and woes are ignored or not allowed. But the focus is more on resolution than consistent re-hashing or worse yet, getting to a point of escalated emotions. So, from the bedroom I rented for three months in the home of strangers the summer of 1990, to the 600 sq.ft. furnished one-bedroom house I rented on a month-to-month lease for 12 years, to our beautiful 4-bedroom home today, I've tried to make sure that the outside never ruined the inside and that whomever entered my home would quickly feel at ease. One of the biggest compliments a guest in my home can give me is, "Man - I slept better than I've slept in a LONG time last night!" And now that we have Zac, I'm even more tenacious about protecting our home from the crazies. Perhaps we're just lucky, but I truly think this has a lot to do with the fact that we have a 10-week old who is now sleeping anywhere from 6-8 hours a night with no interruptions. THANK YOU, JESUS!
7. Once again, I've realize that God's timing is always the best. Back in my 20s I was convinced that I was ready to be married. Having kids wasn't as much of a priority, but I seriously wanted to be in love and be married. That didn't happen until I was 36 and even then I wasn't sure if having kids was a good idea. But now at 40-going-on-41, I realize that if I'd gotten in my 20s what I was sure I was ready to have, it would have been a disaster! So, while it feels a little weird to have my fellow college mates or 40-somethings talking about their teenagers and I have a 10-week old, I know that this is the best timing for me and I'm glad that God didn't give me then what I thought I needed.
8. It is possible to sleep sitting up. I was never able to do this before, but a few middle-of-the-night feedings gave me the opportunity to learn that I could!
9. I have been reminded of the generosity and awesomeness of my wide variety of friends. Between offering solid advice, to listening to me process, to coming to watch Zac while I shower in the early days to the prayers, cards, gifts and phone calls to "check in" on us, we have been abundantly blessed.
10. The personal mantra that I came up with in 1999 is still applicable in this situation:

Show up
Look good
Use all that God has given you
The rest will follow

In the meantime, Zac is becoming more and more vocal, is smiling a lot and for three nights in a row has slept for 8 hours straight. He's an amazing little creature and we're enjoying each moment whether it's a crap-filled diaper or a delightful squeal. He's healthy and happy and for that we could not be more grateful.

So, I don't know that any of these things are "A-Ha!" moments, necessarily, but they are things that I've noted and have learned from in some way. And, we're just 10 weeks in! Only going to get more interesting as he grows, I'm sure.

As time flies by...

2009-03-28T15:58:00.007-05:00

Amazingly enough, Zac will be seven weeks old tomorrow and in that time span he has morphed a hundred times already. Just this past week he started sleeping in his "big boy crib" in his bedroom, versus the bassinet at the foot of our bed. He's always been a good independent sleeper, probably due to his time in the hospital so early. He and I have a couple of hours after the 4am feeding that we sleep in Mommy and Daddy's big bed together, but other than that he sleeps on his own all the time. He's also a good eater. Every now and then he'll have weird gas issues, but that's probably due to what I eat since he's getting breast milk 90% of the time. Hard to know what it is that causes him pain since I've made my diet pretty bland these days.

Some of my favorite things about him:

1) His voice. When he's full, clean and awake he makes this delightful, beautiful cooing sound that just melts my heart.

2) His butt. It is the only part of him that seems to not have grown since birth, so it's TINY! His belly has grown, though, so we've had to buy bigger pampers that gap at his legs because there's no butt to fill them! :-)

3) His eyes. They're still shut a lot of the time because the boy LOVES to sleep. But, when they're open and taking in everything around him, I can just see his brain taking it all in and I'm amazed. I look forward to seeing how this all plays into his development.

4) His spirit. He has a very sweet spirit. Yes - we're seeing signs of a bit of an attitude every now and then, but for the most part he's a gentle, peaceful soul. May that always be true!

As parents, I think we've adjusted pretty well. However, as odd as it may sound, I'm still having a hard time grasping the permanence of Zac in our world. It still kinda feels like we're babysitting someone else's kid and eventually we'll return him and go back to our old life where we could sleep in any time we wanted, watch TV whenever we wanted, eat what we wanted and pick up and go someplace whenever we wanted. But, as time goes on, I realize that he is here to stay and that from here on out it's going to be an exercise in flexibility, a LOT more pre-planning and a constant presence of of being attentive, of teaching and guiding.

Meanwhile, I seem to keep having the same "dream" every night. At some point I will wake up, sit straight up in bed and start fishing through the blankets and pillows for Zac because in my head he was in bed with me and I fell asleep and now he's caught up in all the blankets and suffocating. Eventually I wake up and gather my senses and walk over to the crib and see him safe and sound and I relax. But there's that moment of panic that is terrible. Not sure when this will subside... Welcome to motherhood, right?

It's been a little tough for Michael and me to get some one-on-one time. In the evenings when we're both home, one of us is on Zac duty while the other is doing some essential task. In the past, bedtime has always been when we do our best talking but that has turned into Zac's late-night feeding time. I feel like we're two strangers passing in the night, but again - that will hopefully be temporary and prayfully our solid foundation will sustain us until Zac is a bit more independent.

I have to say, however, that Michael is a beautiful, wonderful dad and Zac LOVES his daddy. Just the mere sound of his voice perks Zac up. It's pretty amazing to watch. I have been so pleased by how natural Michael is with him and am so grateful that we're partners in this process. God bless all of the single parents in the world. I truly do not know how they do it.

I've only got two more free weeks before I go back to work and I'm pretty anxious about that. Not so much that I'm going to miss Zac, but more of worrying about how we're going to get everything done and not let our jobs suffer and get at least SOME sleep. But, I've really enjoyed the time that I've had to be one-on-one with the Z Man. At least 200 people have told us to enjoy this time of Zac's life because "they grow up so fast," and I believe I've done a pretty good job of that during this time off. We've spent a lot of time just hanging out with me talking to him and him cooing back, of listening to music and dancing a bit (got to teach that boy rhythm!), of me giving him nice massages and exercises, and spending lots of time just looking at him. Bath time is definitely a big time favorite of his and mine. He LOVES water. If I were a Zodiac sign-watcher I'd say it was because he is an Aquarius, but I'll just leave it that he loves water just because. :-)

Throughout the past seven weeks, Michael and I have been so humbled by the generosity of so many people. We've received so many thoughtful gifts, cards and kind deeds and not to mention all of the prayers and encouraging words. It's definitely made us more aware of ways that we can help others in the future.

So, that's the update. I'm definitely in love but still in the early, can't-believe-it-quite-yet stage And, I am extremely grateful for God's divine grace and wisdom that he's provided exactly when I need it. We'll see how the next seven weeks go!

Two weeks later...

2009-02-21T11:34:00.003-06:00

While preparing for the birth of Zac, one of the things I consistently blogged about was the anxiety that I struggled with over the mystery of the whole process. While I could prepare the nursery and other external things, the actual delivery experience was 100% out of my control.

Well, here I am on the other side of it and am still amazed and somewhat confused by how it all turned out. We have a healthy, beautiful baby boy and that's all that matters. But, the process of bringing him into the world was not anything I would have imagined and the two weeks following his arrival have definitely NOT been anything normal.

We had to do a C-section, which has ended up being fine and it seems that my body is recovering well from it all. But, within a week of being home, I was back in the hospital with pneumonia and that was DEFINITELY NOT on the plan or radar. Perhaps in a few years I'll understand why this happened. But for now I'm a bit confused. Typically I try to find the lesson in my experiences. But, not sure if there is a particular lesson to be learned other than life will throw you curve balls and you pray that you'll be surrounded by the right people and resources to get through it. That has been the case, and fortunately I have a husband who is phenomenal enough to take on the role of Daddy to the full extent and do it all by himself. And who knows? Perhaps this is going to lead to the discovery of something else with my health. After all, I've had lung/respiratory issues most of my life and perhaps finding this now could prevent something more serious later. Whatever... Doesn't always have to be a purpose or reason, I guess. I just know it's been difficult and I hope that once this is behind us we will be able to start formulating our new lives with Zac as a crucial part of it.

Zac Day Eve

2009-02-07T11:05:00.003-06:00

Tonight I check into the hospital for them to start preparing my cervix and then tomorrow they'll start the inducing process. WOW.

I'm all tangled up with emotions, both positive and negative. On one hand I'm excited to get the process started and can't WAIT to see our little guy. But, the fear of the process has me pretty nervous. Who in their right mind signs up for pain? Kind of like I don't fear death because it leads to eternity with Jesus, but I sure as heck dread the process of dying because I fear pain.

But, as my mom and others have been quick to remind me, trillions of women have survived it before me - even my great-great-great grandmother who gave birth in a mud dugout on the plains of Oklahoma! Not sure how that helps ME, but it's a nice thought. ha!

So, in 48 hours I'll have my OWN birthing experience to share. I kind of wish the process had started on its own because I've been curious to know what it feels like to have my water break and all of that. But, my body knows that it's time and that if I waited I could push myself to a dangerous point. So, my doctor and I are both in agreement that it needs to happen this way.

Jesus - I give my body and my baby to you and trust you to protect us so that we can begin our lives together.

The waiting is the hardest part

2009-02-03T09:41:00.002-06:00

38 weeks and 5 days is where I'm at today and there doesn't appear to be any significant changes in Zac's desire to get outa there. Of course I can't say that I blame him. Knowing that I will be in labor within the next week (either naturally or by force) is both comforting and terrifying. But, I'm ready for it to be over because it is really getting uncomfortable to do everything, including breathing!

Not feeling in control of this situation is probably the most challenging for me personally. But, I think I know in my gut that I'd better get used to that feeling since parenting will make me feel that way on a regular basis. It's definitely going to be a lesson in constantly give Zac to God.

Meanwhile, on the subject of waiting, I had a break-through last night that took 15 years to occur. It was 15 years ago next week that my life got ripped into a million little pieces in Dallas, Texas. It took me a year to finally stop crying at least once a day. While it was the most difficult year of my life thus far, it also led to major self-revelations and a commitment to honesty and integrity that will stick with me forever. But, there were two people who instigated my destruction whom I've been praying for an opportunity to clear the air between for the past 15 years. Through Facebook I reconnected with one of them and we talked on the phone last night for 2.5 hours hashing through the events of February 1994. Man - what a relief. I didn't sleep too well because my brain was filled with all sorts of memories, emotions and thoughts. But I did feel lighter and just THAT much more peaceful in my soul. So that leaves just one more person that I am praying for a confrontation with and then all will be well with me and the world.

So, while waiting is nerve-wracking, I've been around long enough to know that leaving everything in God's hands always leads to perfect timing. And that the more I can live in the moment and let things happen naturally, the more rewarded I feel in the end.

And so, I wait.

Rock and A Hard Place

2009-01-23T19:42:00.004-06:00

24 days. I woke up with a bang this morning as I was rolling out of bed. As soon as I went to put my left foot down a charley horse from hell attacked my calf. It'd been years since I'd had one of those. I screamed and breathed my way through it and moments later Michael came rushing down the stairs thinking I was in labor. Nope... Not yet. Just another flippin' side effect of being pregnant.

The pregnancy-by-week websites tell me that Zac is putting on extra layers of fat right now which tells me that he's sucking me dry of nutrients and vitamins. So, I guess I need to eat something full of protein and nutrients every couple of hours. They say charley horses are caused by low potassium and calcium, but if I drink any more milk or consume any more calcium-based foods, I'm going to start mooing!

I'm at the point of pregnancy that so many have warned me about - scared to death because Zac is my first, but ready to do whatever it takes to get him outa there because it's just so darn uncomfortable. But, I leave it in God's hands and trust that the timing will be perfect. In the meantime, I treated myself to a spa pedicure that included a great calf massage and hot, wet towels! Do you like?

JUST KIDDING!

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

I did get a pedicure, but these ain't my feet!

Dull

2009-01-19T22:20:00.002-06:00

So, there are 28 days left until Zac's targeted birth day and at this point I'm almost in disbelief that it's ever really going to happen. It's as if I'm always going to feel huge and heavy and never have energy to do anything ever again. I go to the grocery store and by the time I get out of the car and get into the store, I have to sit down and rest for 15 minutes before I can actually shop. He's obviously getting bigger and his little bony arms and legs are poking me in strange places that actually hurt now. I have a feeling that when it does finally happen I won't know what to do with myself. But, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

We're all ready - nursery in place, car seat bases in both cars, birth plan typed out, pillows set aside and bags packed. So, bring it!

How did she do it?

2009-01-02T23:32:00.009-06:00

For the most part, my holidays went fairly smoothly this year. I did, however, have a bit of a breakdown the Tuesday before Christmas. It was kicked off by receiving a Christmas card from a dear friend that had the following picture on the front:

"Kissing the Face of God"

As soon as I saw it, I burst into tears. I've mentioned my pact with God regarding getting pregnant - that if God has faith in my ability to put the pain of my family past to rest and promises to help me refrain from falling into those traps, then I would get pregnant and never look back. And, here we are. So, I'm already feeling pretty overwhelmed by this gift and the honor of being chosen by God to raise another one of His children to the best of my ability through His divine wisdom and grace. And then I see this picture and it struck a huge chord in me. I'll talk a bit more about the other half of my emotional processing later on, but in the meantime I did some research on the picture and found the following comments about this painting from the artist:

This painting was first inspired by a song that I heard one day. Sometimes, hearing one phrase is all it takes, and then a flood of inspiration follows. The phrase “kissing the face of God” immediately struck me with this powerful image of Mary and the Baby Jesus. It is an image that we have seen depicted many times, but never simply as a mother and her child with real tenderness. I started to contemplate the awesome privilege that Mary was given, being able to hold God in her arms, but also keeping in mind that He was still her baby. This cute little child whom she bore was also God in the flesh. And yet, she cuddled and kissed Him, just as all mothers do with their babies. This thought propelled me right into this painting which I wanted to be a very human representation of divinity. My prayer is that the viewer will be struck, as I am, with the amazing way that God chose to send His Son into this world — in pure humility. -- Morgan Weistling, Artist

Well - mission accomplished, Mr. Weistling! I've thought several times about Mary and wondered how in the world did she deal with the fact that she was carrying the Son of God. I really don't think she had any idea of the magnitude of what was happening. Heck - I'm overwhelmed just thinking about all of the potential mistakes that I'll make and how much Zac will be influenced by us. What in the world did Mary and Joseph feel if they really understood what they had been assigned to do? Did God somehow put their minds 100% at ease with the knowledge that they were just the conduits and He would handle the rest? Even then they had physical responsibilities such as feeding him, changing his diapers, etc. Did they have to worry about SIDS? Did Jesus cry and throw fits like "normal" babies? What did they do when he got sick? Did they fear that they were going to hurt the Son of God? Ahhh... so many questions.

Fortunately, I was home alone at the time that this outburst occurred, so I just let the tears flow and let my heart express all that was contained in it for a good hour. I went through some sad moments from the past, then thought a bit more globally and all the pain in the world, then back to my blessings. Felt good to get it all out.

The remainder of the day ended up being very strange which I believe was a hormonal thing because I kept having strange accidents like dropping things and not feeling in control of my motor reflexes. But, I made it through the day, went to bed early that night and the rest of the week was fine. Once our final group of guests left on Saturday, I C-R-A-S-H-E-D! Thank goodness for a full week off to do nothing but what we wanted to.

So, now we're two days into 2009, which stands to be a pivotal year in so many ways for us. I just found out tonight that a co-worker who was expecting their first baby a week before Zac ended up having their baby on New Year's Eve! I told Michael and now he's in panic mode. I suppose Zac could come early, but none of my instincts seem to lead me to that conclusion. I think it'd be cool if he came a couple days early and was born on Valentine's Day because I'm sure by then I'll be ready to rip him out myself. But, we'll see what happens.

In the meantime, I feel myself becoming more and more anxious and plan on reaching out to as many of my girlfriends as I can and ask for help and support. Not even sure what that looks like or what it would involve, but I know I'm going to need encouragement to get through this because, well, I'm terrified. But, I know that God has just as much interest in me and our baby as he did for His own son. And in only a few more days, I, like Mary, will be kissing the face of God in Zac.

Per your request

2008-12-21T21:08:00.003-06:00

Picture of the fugly coat. :-)

Picture of me 32 weeks pregnant and looking F-I-N-E!!!

Fugly Coat

2008-12-17T18:22:00.006-06:00

I think it was sometime in October that I realized that I would need to buy a coat that would be large enough to cover my belly since my largest months would be right in the middle of winter. But, I didn't want to spend a lot of money on something that I'll only wear 2-3 months. Some people said not to bother because pregnant women always run hot. While I tend to run warm most of the time, I have not been overly warm while being pregnant. So, I figured I should be prepared. I went to one of my favorite stores, Name Brand Clothing, and found a 3X "swing coat" that gave me plenty of room to grow in the belly area without being too huge in the shoulders. It wasn't the most beautiful fabric I've ever seen but it only cost $30 so I was content.

We got our first bout of winter weather this week - "highs" in the 20s and a blanket of sleet across the city. So, I pulled out THE COAT and wore it. As soon as I got out to the car I looked down and couldn't believe how cheap and ugly it was. As I looked more closely, I saw that it looked like it'd been crammed into a pile under something heavy for months. And, no amount of dry cleaning would appear to remedy the situation.

Now as I'm getting bigger, pants and shirts are getting even tighter on my belly. But, I only have two more months to go so I really don't want to drop the cash for more clothes. So, I'm living in baggy t-shirts / pants optional! ha!

So, while I'm feeling pretty good overall, I'm probably not looking my best. But, again, it's temporary. And the fugly coat will go straight to the trash come March! :-)

Faith

2008-12-08T16:17:00.002-06:00

In my daily devotional today I ran across a passage that I had made a comment on in 2002. I love it when I run across some sort of note that I've written because it's always a great checkpoint to see if I've grown, learned or changed the way I think over time. Today, I realize that I have grown and have a different take on the issue of faith. Here's the background.

SCRIPTURE: Isaiah 55: 8 & 9 -- This plan of mine is not what you would work out, neither are my thoughts the same as yours! For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than yours, and my thought than yours.

COMMENT I WROTE IN 2002: We're supposed to have faith and believe in God. But then God STILL has is OWN plan. So, what's the point in having faith at all if God is going to supersede my "desires" or faith? I also wrote another side comment about a guy that I worked with at the time that I was really liking in yet another one-sided, from afar scenario and wondered if I just needed to have more FAITH to believe that he could be attracted to me and we could get together romantically.

Yea... I know... I've spent a lot of time whining to God over the years, especially when it came to men. But let me see if I can articulate what I've learned in the past six years about faith since writing those comments.

The first thing that crossed my mind is the scripture that says, "Man looks on the outside, God looks at the heart." So, taking the example of me thinking that more faith might bring me the man of my dreams, God, in his "higher thoughts" was able to hear the HEART of my desire. I was focusing on one particular guy like I had at least four times before (at least seriously... that doesn't count all of the time-passers that I flirted with). But God disregarded the name/face/person and continued to forge a path for me to have my HEART'S desire fulfilled. All along he knew that what I really wanted was to be loved, valued, cherished, challenged and sought out for all that I was. I kept trying to assign the answer, but fortunately God DID supersede my plan and thoughts with his own. And boy did he ever dish me out a wallop of blessings that COMPLETELY overshot my pathetic little plans. WOW!

Amazing what time and living life can show us. I am so grateful for God's power and grace and the ability to overlook my agenda and present me with His. And, even MORE amazing is that HE WANTS TO HELP NOT ONLY ME, BUT BILLIONS OF OTHER PEOPLE EVERY DAY!!! What an awesome God.

Thank you, Jesus, for protecting me from my self, for listening to my heart and for granting me with tremendous blessings over and over again.

My pregnant brain

2008-12-04T10:50:00.006-06:00

Several people and books have said that during pregnancy it is not uncommon for women to experience memory loss. If they don't experience it during pregnancy they will after the baby is born because caring for the baby's needs is their sole focus.

My personal experience so far has not included memory loss. In fact, it's been the opposite - I'm remembering experiences and people from my past that I've not thought of in YEARS! Most of these flashbacks are occurring in dreams. But my dreams are not confined to only images of the past. They also include random, non-life-like scenarios. For example, the other night I dreamed I was a black woman!

The phenomenon that seems to be present for me during this pregnancy is that Zac is utilizing my bounty. What do I mean?

Physically, I've always had "extra" weight. True - I've been thinner in years past, but I was always overweight in comparison to my peers. But it's not necessarily that I eat more than most but rather that my body seems to retain everything I put into it. Not exercising enough contributes, but I don't eat any more calories per day than most people. What has Zac done? He's taken what I put in and utilized it for his growth so that I've only gained 20 lbs in 30 weeks and unless something goes really whacky, I probably won't gain much more before he's born. The interesting part is going to see how I am after he's born. Will I end up weighing less than I did before I started or be the same?

Mentally, I've ALWAYS been accused of thinking or analyzing too much. But I've never strived (striven??) to change that because I know that this "gift" is exactly what has brought me through so much and has made me ready and available for tremendous blessings and fabulous experiences in life. So, while it may be draining for some to witness or even participate in through listening to me droll on and on, it's been a very crucial part of my growth and development and prevented me from making terrible mistakes. What has Zac done? He's taken the extra mental energy and applied it to developing his own. Therefore, I'm left with a pretty peaceful brain and the ability to process this whole experience as it comes and with minimal anxiety. Michael and I have both done a great job of living IN THE MOMENT throughout this entire experience and I'm so grateful for that. We've spent a lot of time just being quiet with each other because we know that once Zac comes into the picture "quiet" may not be readily available too often.

Some of the flashbacks that I've had have been painful. A couple weeks ago I had severe pain in my tailbone and it brought up a memory from when I was in 5th grade and my dad pushed me really hard and I fell and hit my tailbone on the corner of the refrigerator. Hadn't thought of that in years. Considering that repeating my father's erratic behaviors has kept me from wanting to have children for many years, it's no surprise that remembering previous "offenses" has become part of my process. But, I made an agreement with God -- that if I got pregnant, knowing that I had physical challenges, I would accept that as God's affirmation that he has my back and will sustain me through all of the challenges of raising a child so that I DO NOT repeat the bad behavior. And, I will never look back. So, here we are... 74 days away from my life changing forever and facing it with open arms and virtually no fear.

I'm so thankful for my brain and for the strength of my body and all that it provides to me on a regular basis. What a tremendous gift!

I'm still here

2008-11-14T09:35:00.002-06:00

I just haven't felt like blogging lately. Seems that my thoughts have truly gone inward and they don't want to be shared. I think I'm in communion with Zac because he's moving all the time now and I'm focusing on him and the energy that we're already creating together.

I had a thought cross my mind the other day - that I am already teaching him the rhythm of life - when to sleep, when to wake, when to shower, when to eat. He senses that already and will probably be affected in his own patterns by what he is experiencing now.

It's 9:30am right now and this is his busiest hour. He's twitching and twirling about and making me giggle from time to time when he does one of his karate jabs to my insides. It'll be interesting to see if he's this way outside of the womb this time of day.

So, it's brief, but it's an update as to where I'm at in my head these days. Just reveling in the peace and quiet and the containment of my little one. Cuz in about 94 days it'll all be out in the open and life will never be the same.

My kabuki is shedding!

2008-10-29T18:11:00.007-05:00

Sounds awfully personal, doesn't it? ha!

For those that may not know, no - this is NOT a name for my hoo-ha. A kabuki brush is a very soft makeup brush used to apply powder or blush to the face. See picture below.

Mine happens to be shedding which is a little funny because the bristles on it are a pretty close match in color to my own hair. Every now and then I'll find a random straight hair on my face and wonder if I'm balding, but then realize that it's a kabuki strand and I calm down. This is pretty much the extent of my drama these days. I KNOW - HOW BLESSED AM I????

Baby Zac is moving quite a bit these days and they're much more distinctive movements. We can't SEE them yet but I definitely feel them. Michael has only been able to feel a couple of bumps here and there which I find surprising considering how strong they feel inside of me. But, I suppose my layer of fat (or "omentum" as I learned from Dr Oz on Oprah) blocks the movements from being felt on the outside.

I am feeling more pain these days than I have thus far, mostly in my bones and muscles in my pelvic region. It's a very strange sensation to feel your entire pelvis shifting every day. There's a dull ache in my hips all the time and depending on how long I sit without walking, my sciatic is still flaring up. I went to a chiropractor the other day and while I realize that one treatment isn't going to make a huge difference, I still don't think it's going to help in the long run. These bones are supposed to move and it's the muscles around them that are hurting because of the shifts in positions. So, I'm thinking that a chiro isn't the answer. Today I went and had a 90-minute massage that worked WONDERS!!! They have a special table with a hole in it for my belly to go through. I personally need holes for my boobs too, but I managed. ha! I'm going to see if my budget can accommodate getting one of those at least once a week. That'd be around $400 per month so I doubt it... Perhaps once a month?

The nursery is painted, the mattress and bedding are purchased and the recliner is in place. Now all we need is the big stuff like crib, changing table, etc. I'm gearing up for my baby shower on November 8th. If you're reading this and in Tulsa and you haven't received an invite yet, let me know. I'd love to have you there.

YOUCH!!!!!

2008-10-23T21:57:00.004-05:00

One word: SCIATICA.

Translated: Sharp-shooting, fire-inducing sensation that shoots up a person's leg and hip and hurts like hell.

Culprit?: MOI!!!!

Since day 1 of pregnancy I had sore boobs and a bit of this sciatica issue. The boobs are back to normal and fine, but just yesterday the sciatic nerve issue took a turn for the worse. This also corresponds with a strange 'stretching' sensation in my pelvis. So, I figure that bones and other things are shifting and something is probably resting on my sciatic nerve.

Thanks be to God that I can work from home. I went out and bought myself a laptop cart yesterday and spent the entire day sitting in our leather recliner, feet up, leaning back and keeping the pressure off of my hips. It was perfect.

I have an appointment scheduled for Monday with a chiropractor that specializes in pregnancy/sciatica issues. My OB recommended him so I know I'm not going out of line with my doctor's care philosophy. I feel like if I could just POP something into place I'd have relief, but then I realize that as my body continues to shift that I'll probably need more adjusting. We'll see what happens.

In the meantime, my beloved husband is being so kind and good to me. Don't know what I'd do without him. Zac is a lucky boy to have such a wonderful daddy waiting for him. I think he knows this. Seems like every time he hears Michael's voice I feel him move. It's pretty incredible.

So, a bit of discomfort, but still very blessed. I'll get through it.

Soccer Boy in Training

2008-10-20T16:21:00.003-05:00

I realize that my blogging frequency has diminished considerably over the past few weeks. This is largely due to the rigorous work schedule that I've been maintaining which included a 5-day trip to Chicago last week. I got to celebrate my 40th birthday there with an old college friend over Chicago-style pizza. YUM! I arrived home safely late Friday night and spent most of Saturday in bed recuperating. It's with mixed emotions that I realize that my trip to Chicago is the last trip I will be taking until after Zac is born and until I return back to work next Spring. I enjoy traveling and experiencing other places. But, I know that what lies ahead with Zac will be worth the sacrifice.

Zac is a trooper when it comes to traveling and he continues to adjust to whatever I put myself through. Last week I did a lot of walking which jostled him quite a bit so that when I was sitting still he was going nuts! A couple times I felt what had to be a full-out head butt and started laughing and visualizing him bumpin' a soccer ball with his head. It was as if he was saying, "Start walking mom - I don't like sitting still!" But then because I was on my feet a lot more, my left ankle was swollen beyond recognition. So, it's a catch-22.

When I arrived home late Friday, I was greeted with two separate bouquets of flowers, at least 20 birthday cards and a high-end juicer from Michael as my birthday present. It's something I've wanted for a long time but could never justify buying it just for myself. But, with Zac coming and with us trying to be more conscientious about what we put in our bodies, it seemed like a good investment. We made our first pitcher of apple & pear juice and it was yummy. SO much easier than trying to bite into cold-kill-my-teeth apple slices.

So, overall life is good and not much else to report. I'm loving being pregnant, how people treat me, how confident and assured I feel, and love knowing that Zac is growing as he should and look forward to the time when Michael can feel him on the outside of my belly too. But for now, it's my little secret that stays with me everywhere I go. That's pretty darn cool.

Sneezing ants, puffy limbs and belly flips

2008-10-10T03:28:00.003-05:00

I've been consumed this past week with preparing documentation for a last-minute sales meeting in Chicago next week. So, I've not had much energy left to write personal stuff. But, it's a gorgeous Friday afternoon and I figured I'd better jot a few words down while I'm inspired.

The other night Michael and I were winding down to try and fall asleep around our usual time (midnight... we've GOT to stop doing that!!!) and I heard a weird cracking noise which Michael did not hear. Probably a nail pop in the house or something. But, I mentioned it and he chuckled and said, "Man - since you've been pregnant your sense are off the charts." And I said, "Yea - I know. Did I just hear an ant sneeze?" We laughed ourselves to sleep on that one.

Meanwhile, it seems that my "problem side" for this pregnancy is my left. My left sciatic nerve hurts me constantly and pretty much has since the day I got pregnant. It's especially bad if I sit too long without getting up to stretch every 30 minutes or so. And, just this past week I've noticed that my left foot and hand are puffy - all the time. I've resorted to wearing my wedding ring European style (i.e. on my right hand) so I can at least be wearing it. I've got to fly to Chicago for next week's meeting and I'm sure all of my limbs will be off the charts with puffiness after that. LUCKY ME!

We had our doctor's appointment last Friday and Michael's parents and my mom came with us to the appointment so they could see the ultrasound. Below is one of the pictures from that ultrasound:

Zac has been pretty quiet with regard to movement. But after the doctor pushed really hard for the ultrasound (probably had to push through the fat), he was a hoppy little tyke the rest of the afternoon. It's not a *punch* feeling but more like the flip in your belly that you get when you crest a hill and it happens in waves and sequentially. I had a nice dinner last night that he really seemed to like because he was going crazy. Such a strange sensation. However, Michael is not able to feel it yet. I look forward to the day when he can, but then I also know that will mean I'm huge and uncomfortable which I dread. Thank God it's temporary.

So, that's the latest. Only 6 days until I turn 40... I'll be in Chicago and hopefully get a chance to have dinner with an old friend.

Can someone turn off the constant buzz???

2008-10-03T00:07:00.003-05:00

That would be the buzzing in my head that's been going on for the past week or so. Nothing specific has happened, but I just can't seem to get past this constant state of irritation and anxiousness. And it's not just for myself. On the global side I'm irritated by the world issues, the financial crises of our country, the totally confusing, feel-like-we're-being-duped-more-than-ever Presidential bullshit and the idea that I'm bringing a new life into this mess is quite disconcerting. On a personal side, so many of my friends are going through some sort of pain right now and there doesn't seem to be a solid solution or end in sight. Some of it is self-induced, some of it isn't. Then on a personal-personal note there's my boss... I can't even seem to put into words how and why she frustrates me but she does. Seems all I can do is cry about it. And it's deep, frustrating, angry sobs. I'm hoping that letting those out will bring about SOME form of release and perhaps even clear my head so that a solution will be made obvious, but I don't know.

I know that when I get this frustrated I need to concentrate on God and the blessings in my own life. I know that seems a bit selfish and too self-centered, but when I let the weight of the world become too cumbersome I have to rein in my thoughts and focus on what I know about MY life and how God works for ME. And that is, when I'm weak, He is strong. When I'm scared, He's there to comfort me. When I'm mad, He hears me. When I'm confused, He leads me to answers. All I have to do is ask.

So, Jesus, I'm asking you for answers and guidance for my beloved friends - you know who they are. I'm asking for the wisdom to know how to conduct my daily life as a citizen of this planet. I ask for patience and insight on how to deal with my confusing boss. And, I pray for protection, health, vitality and peace for myself, my husband, for Zac and all the others that I love.

Meanwhile, I'm so happy that I get to see Zac on an ultrasound tomorrow. It's been WAY too long... Six weeks! I'm half-way through my pregnancy... tomorrow marks Week 20!

Am I really glowing?

2008-09-25T21:38:00.002-05:00

I'm at the end of a 10-hour day where I've had to endure a stream of people at a trade show, the majority of which would sell their soul for a free pen!!! Ridiculous! Fortunately, I was assigned the "admin desk/greeter" job which meant I got to sit most of the day, but I was sitting on a bar stool and with my non-padded butt that didn't feel much better than standing all day would have felt. BUT... It is what it is and fortunately my feet aren't too puffy. Because of my flight yesterday, my feet were extremely puffy last night. So, I sat in bed with my feet propped up and a bag of ice on them for at least an hour. That helped a lot.

Meanwhile, I'm working with some of my teammates who work in our Atlanta office and who I typically only see once every 2-3 months. The last time they saw me was the middle of August and I was pregnant then so this is not the first time they've seen me pregnant. But today, three separate people told me that I was glowing and that I looked "stunning" and "beautiful." Really? I've heard about pregnant women glowing, so is that what's going on?

I personally think it's just an amazing sense of "right" that I feel in my life. Ten years ago I wanted to end my life because I was so depressed about turning 30 and being NO WHERE in my life that I wanted to be. And now look at me! 39 has been a FABULOUS year and I imagine that turning 40 in 20 days is going to be the beginning of even MORE wonderfulness.

Thank you, Jesus, for your faithfulness, for protecting me from myself, for remembering my hearts' desires, for knowing me to the point of knowing the number of the hairs on my head, and for holding me in your heart. That alone is plenty of reason to glow!!!!

Collaboration

2008-09-22T16:39:00.001-05:00

I had a singing scholarship for all four years of college. This also provided an opportunity for me to audition for our "honors choir" at JBU - Cathedral Choir - and I made it in!!! Getting accepted into this choir as a freshman will forever remain one of the most prominent "feathers in my personal cap." Several auditioned, but only two were accepted and I was one of them.

Fast forward 18 years since I graduated, and I've been invited to participate in a Cathedral Choir reunion at this year's homecoming on October 11th. I guess there's some building that's being or been built and the choir performance is part of that celebration. For those of us that signed up to attend, they sent us copies of the four pieces that we will be performing along with a CD to help us learn the pieces. Let's forget the fact that "back in my prime" I would have been able to sit down, pick out Middle C in my brain and sight-read the heck out of the music and have my part sorted out within a few minutes. Not so much now! If they had not sent me the CD I would have been in trouble! I actually didn't see the CD until the next day and I'd already decided I was going to get Michael's 4-octave electronic keyboard out of the attic and sort out the notes. Fortunately, the CD spared me from that. :-)

Once I discovered the CD, I quickly put it into the player. I made it through the first couple of songs, but by the 3rd song I was tearing up a little bit. And then the 4th song started and I LOST IT. The song is, "A Mighty Fortress is Our God" which is a classic hymn and a song that has been performed by Cathedral Choir every year for as long as the school has existed (I need to look that up and remind myself of when JBU actually started. I'm pretty sure it was the 1800's). But, I wasn't crying because of the history of the song, or the fact that the recording of it was nice. Instead, here are some of the things that sent me to my knees crying my heart out to God:

If I just heard this music I would kind of appreciate it. But when I hear this music and know that I am going to be performing it with others, I am thrown back 24 years when I first started rehearsing with Dr Scoffield and for the first time in my life felt a synergy and a rush from collaborating with other singers in a way that I had never felt before.
GOD, HELP ME! I MISS THAT FEELING!!!!
I miss feeling like part of a team in my job. I miss it in my life in general.
I miss singing, performing.
What part should/could music play in my life ever again? I've tried to join other groups and the quality is so poor that it's more painful than not doing it at all.
I go back to what I've decided before - that I must hold onto the memories of this experience, categorize them under "the Golden Years" and cherish them, knowing that they will never be replicated again.
But, Jesus... It hurts my heart. Fill that void. Give me some sort of an outlet that let's me experience the gifts you have given me to the fullest because this mundane, rote life that I find myself in is not all there is... IS IT?????? Is the Hokey Pokey REALLy what it's all about??? (Yes - I really do pray these kind of things in my conversations with God! ha!)
I can't believe I still remember these notes after all these years. MAN the brain is an amazing thing.
Thank you, Jesus, for giving me such shining moments in my lifetime.

Connecting. Collaborating. Creating. I guess that's what Michael and I have done with bringing Zac into the world and I'm honored by that gift. But this does not necessarily set me apart like a talent such as singing does. Is it the performer in me that wants to feel unique and special? Not sure. But, I guess I'll learn these four songs and pray to God that I don't cry my way through the performances because I plan to sing those four songs for all their worth and leave hoarse and fulfilled in an attempt to re-live my glory moments.

I LOVE my baby daddy!

2008-09-19T18:34:00.006-05:00

Michael took some prego shots of me the other day and then we ended up taking some self-portraits as well. For those of you on Facebook, these will be repeats. For the rest of you, here's what I'm looking like these days. Still feeling great and enjoying the process.

Can you tell that I love this man?

You can't really tell in the picture, but for the record, I'm wearing red patent-leather shoes which match the red patent-leather band on my watch! I may be getting bigger by the minute, but darn it, I'm committed to remaining cute and coordinated!!!! ha!

Our project for the weekend is painting the nursery. Every woman over 50 that I've mentioned this project to has said, "Oh - be careful of the fumes." That may have been true of all the lead-based paints back in the day, but all of the research I've done says that as long as it's not enamel/epoxy-based then I should be okay. If it bothers me we'll quit and Michael can do it by himself while I'm gone to Dallas for four days next week.

We found out this past week that my father-in-law took a job in Colorado without really consulting with any of the family - not even his wife. He's to report to his new job on October 1st. So as soon as he's gone, my mother-in-law is going to come and stay with us for a few days. It's been hard on Michael, his brother and mom just because of the abruptness of it all. But, I'm praying that it all works out and that this is a good, strong step towards getting them to Tulsa and closer to us and Zac. After what I've been through with my dad, I'd much rather be able to support them making adjustments like this now rather than wait until it becomes a crisis situation.

And speaking of dads, mine is still in the nursing home, still not able to move his left arm or leg very much, and is on his 4th roommate in 7 months because they all keep dying. He isn't calling as often, but his most recent call was to ask if I'd make him a "PEE-kan pah" (that's redneck speak for "pecan pie"). Honestly, that's Charlotte's specialty (I don't really care for pecan pie except for hers) so I schlepped him off to her. We take him out to "Wal-marts" (that's redneck speak for Wal-Mart... not sure why it's pluralized..??) and to a restaurant of his choice once a month. This past time he spent $37 on candy. Most of it is "sugar free" but still. The man is diabetic and getting ZERO exercise and just keeps getting fatter and fatter. I swear - any other person on the planet would've exploded and/or died by now. But not my dad. I suppose he'll keep hangin' on until Zac is born and then maybe his body will give out on him. Time will tell...

It's dinner time so I'd better scramble downstairs and see what I can throw together. Zac is growlin' at me!

Blah

2008-09-16T20:16:00.000-05:00

That's all I got today. blah!

Butterflies in the stomach and itchy boobies

2008-09-15T12:23:00.002-05:00

They say at any day now I should start feeling Zac on a regular basis. I haven't yet, so my referral to butterflies in the stomach has more to do with my increased anxiety levels over the past couple of days. Nothing has changed - work is still the same (frustrating, but that's a whole other subject), Michael is still loving and attentive (thank you, Jesus!) and I'm physically doing fine. But, I can't seem to shake the feeling that I'm going to get bad news about something very soon or that somehow we're going to lose all our money and be desolate with Zac sleeping in a box. I know - crazy talk.

I just went to one of the two baby sites that I check for weekly updates on what stage of development Zac is in and one of them allows women to post comments in an open forum. I noticed that the first five entries were all about women feeling anxious! So, that was a gift from God because somehow knowing that others are experiencing this right about this time is a huge comfort and lets me know that next week it'll probably be replaced with some other emotion!

Meanwhile, my boobs are itching like C-R-A-Z-Y! And it ain't from lack of moisturizing. I spent a lot of money on some special body oil at Saks that is supposed to keep my skin supple and diminish the development of or scarring from stretch marks. I've been using it for a couple of weeks now and it feels divine. But for some reason today "the girls" are itchy. I'm going to assume without even looking at any forums, that this too is normal and probably means that the girls are growing. DAMN IT!!! Oh well - part of this whole process, right?

What would I save?

2008-09-13T22:01:00.000-05:00

This crazy hurricane season has me thinking a lot about what I would try to salvage if I were ever in an evacuation situation. This is especially poignant to me after our recent process of trying to help my in-laws sort through their mounds of "stuff" that they refuse to get rid of and even going through our own stuff in an effort to slim down.

Most people mention that they save the pictures and the computers (since for most of us, that's where all of the pictures from the past 4-5 years reside), and I think I'd probably go with that plan as well. But what about those t-shirts from parties in college that I keep because when I look at them I'm flooded with crazy memories? Or the five-foot stack of journals that contain my deepest thoughts from the past 20 years?

Mulling over this keeps me that much more committed to keeping "stuff" at a minimum and remaining committed to creating more experiences and memories because no matter what happens externally, your memories are always safely tucked away in your brain and your heart. And really, isn't that all that matters?

I ACTUALLY THREW UP!!!

2008-09-11T17:43:00.004-05:00

Thanks to some old spaghetti that should've been tossed instead of eaten, I can now actually say that I have thrown up during my pregnancy! ha! It happened a couple of nights ago. Michael ate it too but it never bothered him, thankfully. But I guess since my pregnant body is hyper sensitive to potential intruders, it decided that whatever I'd put in my stomach needed to be expunged. So, about an hour after we ate, I started feeling nauseous and got really cold. So, I went to bed and layered three blankets on top of me and was very uncomfortable for a couple of hours and actually drifted to sleep. But, all of the sudden I got up, went to the bathroom and it all came out and boy did that feel awesome! After I cleaned up, I went back to bed and slept through the night and went to work the next day.

Meanwhile, our new chair was delivered this afternoon. I think its my new best friend. :-) We put it in the living room for now because we are going to paint the nursery in the next couple of weeks and will need the room 100% cleared out for that process.

Got a bargain on the same swing that we'd registered for at Target. Went to another one of the Just Between Friends consignment sales last night and instead of having to pay $100 at Target, we got it for $35 and it doesn't even seem to have been used. That's the thing with babies that I'm figuring out... You could spend tons of money on the best gadgets and equipment but if they don't like it, then you won't use it! Darn little creatures. How DARE they be so demanding, picky and, well, HUMAN??? :-)

So, we've got a collection of things that we're keeping stored in the upstairs guest room and every time Michael or I walk by it we kind of freak out knowing that in less than five months our lives will never be the same.

He said something to me last night that made me glow - that he had no doubts in his mind that I am going to be a wonderful mom. That made me feel awesome. And, I know he's going to be a loving, attentive, patient dad because that's the kind of man/husband he is. He will ALWAYS be my #1 baby!!!

Here he is trying to look like a dork in one of the thousands of caps that we found at his parent's house when we were there a couple weeks ago. Isn't he the cutest dork? ha!

Warrior boys

2008-09-08T07:49:00.005-05:00

It has been almost eight years since I have attended church on a regular basis. In fact, in those eight years I think I've attended church maybe five times. I won't go into the reasons behind this because it's really nothing serious or complicated. But, for the past year or so, even before I found out I was pregnant, I was beginning to think that it might be good for Michael and me to find a church for the fellowship. Once I found out we were pregnant, I really began to think that we needed to find a church because I want to expose our child to the Bible and Godly principles as soon as possible. While I may not have attended church much since I left for college, I've never turned my back on God and have always been so grateful for the relationship that I have with him which started at a very early age due to my upbringing in the church.

So, this past Sunday Michael and I tried a new church - The Church at BattleCreek.(http://www.thechurchatbattlecreek.com/). Doctrine-wise it's based on the Baptist theology. Culture-wise it's very non-denominational which transfers to casual dress for attendees, most of whom carry in their non-fat lattes (or whatever their preference) from the coffee shop that runs a good business every Sunday morning, full Christian-rock-styled band and three big screens with tons of video graphics bouncing out at you throughout the service. The pastor is a younger guy (I'd guess mid-30s) who is married with three kids. For the sermon, we got lucky and happened to attend the first of a 6-part series entitled, "Sex Matters" which could also be more accurately entitled, but not as catchy, "Gender Issues." Here is the description off the website:

So God created man in His own image, the image of Him. Male and Female He created them.

Most of us do not understand who we are as men and women. In this timely series, Dr. Himaya will teach us how God has stamped the image of His beauty on femininity, and His warrior image on masculinity. The perfect image of God will answer the ultimate questions of a man and a woman. Because, after all, sex really does matter.

Yesterday's sermon was about men.

I may have alluded to this a little bit in recent posts, but the idea of having a boy has been kind of weird for me. I'm much more familiar with girls and even though we're frustrating and emotional, I "get" us. I also liked the idea of having my hand at raising a confident, secure woman. And then we found out we were having a boy and, well, I started getting a little scared. Besides the fact that they pee all over and pick up critters with no fear, how will I raise a son who becomes a man of character?

Anyone who has known me for more than five years can probably recall several stories of my encounters with lame men over the years. It wasn't a matter of me not understanding them as much as I was frustrated by their narrowly-focused brains which verged on simplicity and stupidity. I don't want to be responsible for putting another one of THOSE kind of men out in the planet!!! But how do I do that without turning him into a feminist???

Jump back to Sunday morning and Pastor Alex's sermon. He talked about how the church has done a pretty poor job of allowing men to be warriors by capitalizing on the 'gentleness of Jesus' and overlooking the warriors of God that are sprinkled all through the Bible. He said something I'd never thought of before: Do you think thousands of people would want a man dead (Jesus) who was known for kind words only? You have to know that he probably upset thousands because of his demand for truth and for not being a pushover when challenged. Pastor Alex also did a pretty strong spiel about how giving toy guns or swords to a boy is not what turns a boy into a school shooter. He talked about how it is important for boys to learn how to defend themselves or those that they care about, even using physical force if necessary. He told the story about his boys dealing with the neighborhood bully and how it finally came down to his oldest doing a physical tackle on the bully after he pushed around his baby brother. (Now - if I had been the parent of the bully, I'm not sure what I would do. But then that's probably a result of there being a bully in the household.) Either way, the message to me was very clear - that boys ARE different and that's okay. On a phsyical note, the more you can blow-up or destroy something in the process of "playing" the better off you'll be. On a spiritual note, they need to learn the importance of being a spiritual warrior and being aware of the spiritual battle and forces that are out there. He talked about the importance of the 'armor of God' and I know that I will begin reading Pilgram's Progress to Zac at a very early age to help prepare him for this battle.

Somehow knowing all of this gave me peace. I don't want to raise a sissy, but I could easily do that if I wasn't careful simply by trying to keep him docile after enduring an upbringing where a man's strength went wrong. Pastor Alex actually addressed that issue by stating that if there were women in the audience who were having problems with what he was saying it was probably because they had been hurt by a man physically and were diabolically opposed to the idea of physical/brute strength in any form or fashion. But a true warrior never uses his strength against those that he loves. (He didn't say this, but I know this is another way that Satan can 'win' over men by allowing them to think that they're so strong that they can bully their way through life even if it means hurting people they love. For some its sex. For others its power. Either way, Satan's basic tricks continue to work!!!!)

Anyway, I got a copy of the sermon on CD and plan to listen to it again because I really felt that it was a gift from God and hope that I can remember these concepts as I learn to interact with our boy, Zac. Because even if he ends up with Michael's sweet personality, he'll still be a boy. Michael tells me all sorts of stories about blowing up their little green army men, stabbing them with nails - all sorts of what I would consider "violent" acts - all under the umbrella of "just being a boy." I'm sure my mother-in-law will be a great resource in understanding this process as well.

Meanwhile, as far as going back to the church, while I personally did not enjoy the music at all, I did enjoy the sermon and the energy of the place, as did Michael. So, we'll probably continue to try it out for awhile, if only through this series. And who knows? Maybe we'll find a church home there. If not there, I pray that we find one eventually.

PS. I realize that not ALL boys are brutes. We may give birth to a nerdy reader who is shy and reserved. But somehow I don't think that my body is capable of creating such a child! ha! However, if we do, we'll adjust.

Nesting and purging

2008-09-06T23:44:00.005-05:00

Today we've been busy cleaning out the upstairs guest room and closet which has been a dumping ground for all the stuff that we really don't have a place for, which means it's mostly Michael's stuff that he's moved from house to house without ever going through it. Stuff like user manuals for old software that's 4-5 versions older than what he's currently using (one was even DOS-based, that's how old it was), bank statements as far back as 1994 (in notebooks, but still...), and old college textbooks (do we really need "Intermediate Algebra"?). I sorted through a few of my things too and got rid of all of my VHS tapes that had shows recorded from TV and then a whole bag of raggedy gift bags and tissue paper that I'd be embarassed to use so why keep. Believe me - I have several more!!! ha! Anyway, we've ended up with six bags of trash and it feels really good to have purged. So now that we have this room upstairs cleaned out, we can transfer all of the furniture that we have in the downstairs guest room and put it upstairs so that we can start putting together the nusery.

Meanwhile, we decided that we were going to spend a significant chunk of cash on a good rocker/recliner. We currently don't have one and I believe that every "home" needs a good fluffy recliner and figure that having a baby is a great excuse to get one. So, on one of our days off this past week we went to Norwalk Furniture (ever been to one?) which is where we got our couch and ottoman made two years ago, and I fell in love with a 360-swivel, glider recliner. So, we started the process of trying to select a fabric and I was completely frustrated because I couldn't seem to make a decision. While I wanted it to coordinate with our crib linens, I knew those were temporary and kept trying to think 5+ years from now. After 3.5 hours, we took some samples home to test them in our lighting and said we'd make a decision by Friday or Saturday.

Well, I went in yesterday to take another look and our sales rep (who loves us) told me that they had been bought out and that chair was no longer available. However, there was a comparable one with the new company but the base prices was going up by $200. I was completely discouraged. And then she said, "Do you want to buy this one off the floor? It has your colors..." I called Michael and we decided to go for it. They gave us 30% off the floor price and we got it for $750 cheaper than what we would have paid originally.

It's plaid, which I'm not extremely thrilled about, but the colors are good and the fabric is top-notch (Satin/Poly blend - the type that has a high-quality sheen) and I think it will wear well. Here's a picture of the chair and a close-up of the fabric sample.

I think it will tie-in nicely with the crib linens that we have. And tonight we went to look for paint and think we'll paint the wall something similar to the taupe-colored stripe in the chair. I don't want to go too crazy on a color in that room because the ceiling goes up to 15 feet and is gonna be a bear to paint! But we need to do something because the stuff they painted the whole house with turns into chalk if it gets wet which also strips the texture off and we all know that in a nursery wet happens! ha! So, we need to paint it in order to seal the texture and preserve the walls.

Anyway, I think that this chair will provide many soothing, bonding moments for years to come and will probably also be my 'bed' for the last few weeks of my pregnancy. It is SOOOSSOOOO comfortable. And, it's quality enough that we just may end up sending it with Zac to college! hahaha!

So, that's the update from the Cortez Casa on the first Saturday of September 2008. Five months from now I'll be fatter than a fair-ready hog and may be popping out our Lil' Un. Can't believe it. My head has still not absorbed all that we're about to take on, but I'll be okay and will sort it out just like every other new mom on the planet.

It's been a long, busy day... I'm hittin' the sack!

I've got mine...

2008-09-04T22:10:00.006-05:00

Some have said it, others have alluded to it with not so many words. But basically the message has been, "You suck for not having any sickness in your pregnancy - morning or otherwise!" But, I was quick to assure these women that I would eventually encounter my pregnancy nemesis and I believe mine has finally been determined: HEMORRHOIDS FROM HELL!!!!!

Anyone who knows me knows that I hate literal potty talk. I will talk to you about most anything except for talk about my bowels or anything associated with that area of the body. So - don't worry - I'm not going to go into detail. But let's just say that I'm in a lot of pain and not sure what to do about it.

While we were off these past six days, I started to do a lot better, especially on Wednesday when I did nothing but lay around all day and take a two-hour nap. But, after 10 hours of sitting at work today, I'm back in extreme pain. I've got every cream and wipe that they make, even bought one of those blow-up donut pillows. Nothing helps. Oh - wait - straddling an ice cube does offer some relief, but that's not a realistic process at work! ha!

So, all I can say is - I've got my discomfort. So if you were the ones that resented my lack of sickness, can we call it even now??? :-)

I'm off to bed so I can quit sitting any more today! And, I promise to try and make the next entry a little more positive and a lot less personal. ha! And in the meantime, I leave you with one of my all-time favorite cartoons which seems kind of appropriate.

Mental Shifts

2008-08-31T12:11:00.007-05:00

I don't know if it's being around my in-laws and seeing Michael in the surroundings of his youth or what. But I've been freaking out the past couple of days when I realize that I am going to be a mother - we are going to be parents. Always. Forever. No sending the kids back to "their parents" - this kid is with us indefinitely. What the heck am I going to do with it all the time? When will I find time for myself? What if I don't feel like talking or interacting with people one day? I won't have a choice!

I was afraid that adjusting to being married after being single for so long was going to be a challenge. But, I married a man who values his alone time as much as I do so it has been a very smooth, easy transition. However, I doubt that this transition to parenting will be as smooth. I don't want to sound resentful or ungrateful, but I think I'm just trying to prepare myself for what I know is going to be the most difficult transition of my life so far. I guess I'll approach it like I always try to approach a challenge (but don't necessarily always succeed)... One day at a time.

We're making progress

2008-08-29T21:54:00.002-05:00

We cleaned out and organized quite a bit today. There's still a lot of "hidden" things I'd love to get my hands on but I'm not going to push it... for now. All in due time. :-)

Thanks for any prayers you've offered up.

Prayer Request

2008-08-27T21:23:00.003-05:00

I love my in-laws. I really do. I feel very blessed to have two people who accept me and love me as I am and who have raised a beautiful son that is the love of my life. But, as with all people, they too have their quirks and this weekend I am coming face-to-face with what is to me the biggest challenge in dealing with them: THEY'RE STUFF COLLECTORS!

If you've ever watched Oprah or read information about hoarding you know that it's more of a psychological thing like addiction or over-eating. And, it typically starts after the loss of a loved one or after the kids move out of the house. I think the latter is the root here because Michael swears that it wasn't that bad growing up. Plus, they were a military family so they moved every couple of years which helps keep things trimmed down. His parents have lived in this same house since 1986 and have lived there with just the two of them since 1987. And now - 21 years later? There's a small path throughout the house and not much room to spare.

Even before we found out we were pregnant, we had been talking with his parents about moving closer to us. Dad is 69 and Mom is 63 and, well, things start happening when you get that age that require help from someone you trust. In Lawton, where they live (3 hours SW of Tulsa), they really don't have a trust-worthy network of people. Plus, if anything happens, it's not like we can quickly get there. So, the goal this weekend is to have a big garage sale and start thinning out some of the STUFF. And this is where the prayer request comes in.

I have little patience or understanding for people who insist on keeping things that are not important. [For example - four VCRs that do not work but could be fixed... one day. Two 50- gallon garbage bags full of Beenie Babies.] I do NOT want to hurt their feelings. That is the most important thing. But I also want to get their cooperation and understanding in being able to decipher between what is necessary and what could go. So, here is what I'm asking from God:

Help me be patient
Guard my tongue from saying anything hurtful or abrupt
Give me wisdom to know how to present the options at hand which will lead to fruitful results
Boost my energy level
Prepare their minds and hearts for this process. I known it's scary to be getting older and to "lose" what you've spent a lifetime building. [But I also know what it's like to experience dramatic health issue and leave your stuff for someone else to sort through.]
Help them to believe that this is for the best and that what lies ahead can be positive and exciting
Help me be patient

I'd appreciate your thoughts and prayers along these lines over the next four days. We'll be coming back on Monday and will still have Tuesday and Wednesday to recuperate before we go back to work. I'll let you know how it goes. :-)

Vulnerability

2008-08-25T11:17:00.011-05:00

My friend, Lisa, sent me the following quote the other day that left me in tears (I think I would've reacted that way even withOUT being pregnant):

Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous.

It is to decide forever to have your heart

walking around outside your body.

--Elizabeth Stone

This was my response to her and I wanted to re-post it:

I have spent my lifetime up to this point making sure that I take only calculated emotional risks. This was due to my emotional safety being violated on a consistent basis by my parents. When I was younger, this protective shield came across as hard-ass and non-emotional (if people only knew...). As I got older, I softened a little bit because the world was more in MY control once I was out on my own. But still, I remained guarded.

Well now since being pregnant, I feel that protective wall being chipped away at and more and more vulnerability is being exposed. IT'S SCARY AS HELL!!!! I don't like the feeling at all. But, I know it's necessary and it's only fair to my child to be as open and available to them as possible so that they will not have to live in the fear that I did.

So, your quote makes me cry and makes me want to go into a corner with my blankie and suck my thumb. But, I know that I have been blessed with a safe husband and marriage and I know that together we will make it - regardless of how scared we might be. Afterall, this is a gift from God and so I have to trust that He will continue to sustain me and provide us with all that we need.

Oh - and, by the way? Take a look at what our chosen names mean:

Zachary = "God Remembered" (All the dreams that I'd let go after years of disappointment and failed attempts are now coming true... HE REMEMBERED!!)

Aidan = "Little Fire" (Doesn't that sound like something I'd give birth to???)

If you do one thing today...

2008-08-24T12:43:00.001-05:00

Check out my friend Shannon's blog today - Sunday, August 24th.

http://shans-land.blogspot.com/

Ultrasound Pic

2008-08-24T11:25:00.007-05:00

In the past when a proud-parent-to-be shows me their ultrasound pictures, I've never been able to distinguish a "baby" from a storm front coming out of the west. But, I think this one of Zachary taken this past Friday is pretty obvious. See if you agree.

Meanwhile, we went to a huge baby consignment sale last night. I was hoping we'd find some deeply discounted furniture, but there wasn't anything there that I'd feel good about. I think people tend to hold onto good cribs. We did get some other things, however, including the crib sheet/bumper set that we will be using - a nice Eddie Bauer Baby set. So now we have our color scheme and theme and can start building on that over the coming months. Here are a few pictures of what we got. According to the internet, comparable pieces are running around $225 and we got it for $65 and it looks unused. YEA! Also got this cute miniature wagon that I thought looked great with it.

So, everything is coming together for Baby Z. We're on our way to look at a rocker that I found on Craig's List. Something in me wants to get this all done while I still have energy!! :-)

IT'S A BOY!!!!

2008-08-22T10:51:00.003-05:00

Yup - we saw the tallywhacker this morning. No confusion or doubts. And, it's also cool that Michael and I's instincts are/were on target. I love it when that happens.

So, I can start shopping now. :-)

Zachary Aidan Cortez... See you in 26 weeks!

What a difference a night makes

2008-08-21T10:11:00.005-05:00

Yesterday ended up not being quite so bad, thanks to the prayers and concern of dear friends. I ended up getting a slight break in my day because there was a glitch in the system that I could not fix and had to offload it to another department to sort out. But I still worked until 7pm and after throwing down a quick bite of leftovers and watching a few minutes of the Olympics, I was in bed with the lights out by 9pm. Around 1:30 I got up and moved to the front bedroom, but for the most part I was sleeping pretty hard through the night. Today I feel a bit more refreshed but still wishing I was in bed. :-)

My body is okay. Feeling a bit more swollen in certain areas - lower abdomen mostly. All of the swelling in my hands and feet due to flying has subsided, thankfully, and I can wear my wedding ring again. The dizziness has pretty much vanished as well, which is really nice. Still no nausea of any kind and no particular cravings food-wise. Seems that food is simply a necessity now rather than something that drives me like some of my friends have talked about. The only craving I have is for sleep! ha!

Had a couple of nice surprises this morning. My friend, Kristin, from Boston called me last week to tell me about their third baby that was born on 8/8/08. I hadn't had a chance to call her back. But at 6am this morning my cell phone rang for two rings then hung up and her number showed up. So when I officially woke up an hour later, I gave her a call. Guess her 2-year old was playing with her phone and dialed me. So, I had a nice talk with her and heard about Audrey Jane. Will is the oldest, then Lana and now Audrey. They didn't find out the sex on any of their babies and she was convinced that this one was another boy. But, it's a girl and I'm sure she's as beautiful as the other two.

About an hour after my call with Kristin, my cell rang again and it was my friend Melissa from San Francisco calling me. It was 6:30am her time and I know she's never up that early. I didn't get to the phone in time so I immediately called her back. She was on her way to work! That was a shock. She had been staying at home with their two-year old daughter, Lina, but recently decided that it wasn't good for Lina or her to be home and together all the time and the day she decided that she might need a job, this school called HER and asked if she was available to teach Freshmen English. So, off to work she goes!

Anyway, it was great to be able to connect with dear friends, fellow mothers, who took time out of their crazy schedules to seek me out and see how I'm doing. That means a lot.

So, thank you, God, once again, for bringing to me what I need. I'm reminded of one of my all-time favorite hymns: Great is Thy Faithfulness.

Please don't let me crack...

2008-08-20T09:26:00.003-05:00

I am so flippin' tired today. Got home from ATL last night around 9:00. Sat beside a really nice guy on the plane who is working on his masters in toxicology... Random. Got home, threw my stuff on the floor, slammed down a bowl of cereal (food of the Gods), took a quick shower and was dead in bed by 10:30. This morning I feel like a truck ran over me and can't seem to stop crying. Oh man... What in the heck am I going to do when the baby comes? Take off my full 13 weeks is the first thing I'm gonna do, and then we'll sort out a schedule that will hopefully sustain all three of us. Man... This is one of the toughest things I've ever done.

Only 2 of 2

2008-08-18T20:57:00.002-05:00

Found out today that the third trip that I was supposed to take this month has been cancelled. So, I won't have any more trips until next month and that's only to Dallas. Won't be too much longer before I won't be able to travel anymore.

Not much else to say... Tired.

Trip 2 of 3

2008-08-16T22:48:00.003-05:00

Off to the ATL tomorrow. This time I'm arriving early enough on Sunday (1pm) so that I have enough time to rest before I have to start meetings at 9am on Monday. Gonna get a little shopping in (as always) then relax for the night.

Noticed a couple of new stretchmarks on my belly yesterday. I've had stretchmarks since I was in my early teens so it's not like it's a shock. But, I can imagine that my gut is going to look awful once this is all said and done. I dread it. Oh well... I have a man who loves me anyway. Thank you, Jesus!!! Bless my man for being so loving.

Hunger

2008-08-16T00:25:00.003-05:00

Today I was hungry. And I don't mean "I need a snack to get me by" hungry. I mean, "I'd better get to some meat and potatoes quickly before I pass out" hungry. I didn't eat a lot, however, because guess what? Nothing sounded good.

What a weird pregnancy. So far:

I've not had any morning sickness.
I've not had any cravings.
Food has been necessary, but not important.
Sleep now comes quickly and easily... Except I don't stay asleep very long because I keep waking up because I'm not breathing. Seems that sleep apnea is prevalent. Can't imagine this going away until Baby C is OUT.
I feel like I could sleep for days but one of three things gets me out of bed quickly 1) Gotta pee; 2) Hungry; 3) Thirsty
Boobs are hurting less, but I can tell there's still something 'brewing' in them.
Tendons in my lower abdomen are constantly in a state of strain. Only time it "hurts" is when I turn too quickly and then I just have to breathe it out and try to stretch out as much as possible.

And now it's 12:30am and I'm starving but don't really want to eat/drink because then I'll have to get up and pee. Oy. Guess this is probably a sign of things to come in about 13-15 years when Baby C is a teenager and can't get enough food!!!

Who knew?

2008-08-13T21:49:00.004-05:00

As we were trying to wind down and fall asleep last night, out of the blue Michael said, "You know what? I think it's a boy." Funny thing is, I've been thinking that for the past couple of weeks but I hadn't said anything! He laughed when I told him that.

We're hoping that we'll be able to tell the sex at my appt on the 22nd, but that may be a little too soon to tell. But for sure, we'll find out at the next appt in September - probably around the 26th. Weird that we both think that, however, especially since we said we wanted a girl when we first found out. Gonna be interesting...

An Olympics cycle

2008-08-11T21:42:00.004-05:00

I just realized today that Michael and I have known each other long enough to have gone through two editions of the Summer Olympics: 2004 & 2008. I know - a random thing to recognize, but then it is ME here. ha!

Fortunately, this is the ONLY sports we ever watch. In fact on our satellite, we have our individual favorite channel guides set up and neither of us have ANY sports-related channels saved on there. LOVE THIS!

So, my honey and I will hopefully be "carrying a torch" for each other through several Olympics to come. But whether we watch them or not he'll always get the gold in my book!

Could you hand me another Kleenex, please?

2008-08-10T21:33:00.006-05:00

Good grief. I don't think I've cried this much since I was in junior high when my hormones first started kicking in. Thanks to the pregnancy hormones, I find myself crying at the most inopportune moments. I've just started wearing waterproof mascara all the time.

The most dramatic reaction so far happened to me on the second leg of my flight home from Columbus this past Friday. Once we got in the air, the pilot came on the overhead with his usual spiel about the actual flight time, weather in Tulsa, etc. But then he said, "Folks, I wanted to let you know that we have a special guest with us on the flight today - a soldier - who is escorting a fallen soldier who happens to be in the belly of our plane. This fallen soldier also happens to be his brother. So, folks, when we land in Tulsa, please remain seated until this soldier has exited the plane in honor of both him and his brother." Oh man... I lost it. I couldn't get myself stopped for at least 10 minutes. These were some of the things that were running through my head:

Oh my God. That is someones son.

I am so sick of this war. Why are we there in the first place and when is it going to end?
Why are we bringing another person into this screwed up world?
I don't think I can handle how this child is already ripping me apart. I've never wanted to feel so vulnerable!!!!
Oh, Jesus - please be with this family. Please be with the troops that are fighting for our country whether we should be there or not. Either way, they've sacrificed their normal lives and that is something I could never do.

Why does my heart hurt so much?

Jesus - I'm so sad... so sad...

Will I always be such a crybaby from here on out?

How will I ever let my child grow up, assert its independence and still protect it?

Man... this sucks

I got calmed down, but when we landed and the soldier stood up, I lost it again. I thanked the captain for making me cry on the way out, but quickly assured him that it was the right thing to do and said that I'm probably crying more than usual because I'm pregnant. The flight attendants nodded their heads in understanding.

I used to hate to cry. Would NEVER do it in public. But, for many years my tears were rooted in anger and frustration and always involved some sort of violent outbursts like punching pillows or beating them against the bed. I remember in college one of my favorite releases involved stealing glasses from the cafeteria and throwing them against brick walls. However, as I've processed my anger and come to a place of peace and forgiveness in my life, I've learned to cherish my tears and now consider them to be the language of my soul. They express things I can't express with words, which is not a typical challenge for me! But there are times when I feel so many things dddeeepppp in my soul that I can't even utter the extent of my emotions. And that is when I am so grateful for tears.

It doesn't surprise me that now that I'm a conduit for creating a new human being AND a new soul, that I'm driven to tears on a more frequent basis. I know people say all of the crying is due to hormones, but I think it's much more than that. But even then, I believe that hormones don't create emotions. They just release the filters and lids on our emotions that we ordinarily suppress. However, thanks to God's grace and Jesus's guidance, what comes out of me now is rooted in peace or sadness rather than anger and that is a MUCH nicer place to be.

So, thank you, Jesus, for this release. And, thank you for hearing my tears and my prayers. As I've already done a million times and will do a trillion times more, I leave Baby C in your hands and know that he/she is now and forever marked by you just as I am. Therefore, I don't have to worry.

WOW... I'm really tired

2008-08-09T22:11:00.004-05:00

I made it through this trip, but I'm beginning to really wonder if I'm going to make it through the two more I have this month?

Atlanta: August 17-19
Chicago: August 24-27

Thankfully, we have nothing planned this weekend so I've slept most of today and am ready to hit the bed again at 10:30.

Geesh, Baby C. You're SUCH an energy hog! :-)

First day of the last week of my first trimester!!

2008-08-07T21:53:00.005-05:00

ha! Did you follow all of that? I can't believe that it's been three months already! I'm feeling okay, although today was the first time that my feet started getting really puffy. I'm thinking that the plane ride contributed to this issue because it can't be the weather in Ohio. It's so flippin' mild here. In fact, I went to Target around 9:30 tonight to buy some flip-flops and it was down to 68 degrees! I drove with the windows down and got goosebumps!!! LOVE IT!

I made my first baby-related purchase tonight at a JC Penney's outlet here in Columbus. I got some of those soft terry washcloths (6 for $2.00) and the cutest little diaper cover ups that has a baby chick on the back. Too cute. I also found some maternity clothes (pants are the hardest for me to find) and didn't pay over $10 for anything. Yea!

Meanwhile, according to the cool website that I visit in order to get an understanding of how the baby is developing (click), I know that it can feel sensations on its skin and now that the eyes are fully formed, the eyelids have also developed and will stay shut until it gets yanked into this lovely planet. "Enjoy your safe haven, my Little One. Mommy and Daddy are doing all that we can to ensure that you have a comfortable arrival."

Successful Trip

2008-08-06T22:22:00.003-05:00

Baby C did just fine today. I got a little woozy at the tail-end of my first of a two-leg trip, but it quickly subsided. Nothing any more unusual than when I'm not pregnant.

Ate well today - a bit on the rich side, but good (e.g. for dinner, I had Pistachio-encrusted Rainbow Trout with Potatoes Au Gratin with Creme Brulee for dessert. MMmmmmm...) Went and got my hair cut today - that always makes one feel good.

I'm exhausted. Off to bed and then a full day of training tomorrow. uggg...

Secret passenger

2008-08-05T21:37:00.005-05:00

Tomorrow I fly to Columbus, Ohio for two days of training. This will be the first time I've travelled since being pregnant. Can I consider this to be Baby C's first trip?? I don't imagine that it'll be any different than traveling NOT pregnant except that I'm used to tossing around my luggage on my own. I pack SO much lighter than I did before I got this job (for a 3-day trip, I only have a carry-on for everything AND all of my gels and liquids are in a quart-sized bag). But the suitcase and my laptop case are probably 25 pounds combined which is a significant weight. I guess I'll just have to move slowly and allow extra time to get around and enjoy the freedom of traveling while I still can.

I'm for sure taking Pablo - my king-sized snuggle pillow that I've had for over 10 years - so I can nap on the plane. But I think I'll hold off on ordering a made-for-pregnant-women-air-mattress that I found on the internet. What the... ???? What WILL they think of next?

5AM is gonna suck, so I'd better hit the sack.

More changes

2008-08-04T16:31:00.006-05:00

Something that I'm starting to notice more and more is that I can't move as quickly as I used to. For example. Michael and were lying peacefully in bed this weekend on a typically lazy Saturday morning. This involves waking up around 10am and lollygagging for a good 30-45 minutes before hunger takes over and insists that we get up and grub. (If this sounds like I'm bragging, I am. I know very well that these type of mornings are numbered!!) Michael got up before I did and came back into the room making growling noises and I knew he was on his way to tickle me or do something invasive. So, I tried to roll over really fast to the other side of the bed - something that three months ago would have never been an issue - and WHAM I was frozen with a cramp in my lower abdomen - something similar to a stitch you get in your side when you've been running too fast and it's cold outside. Nothing dangerous - it's just that the muscles are being stretched to new capacities so that now when I move quickly, I get a cramp. I reverted back to my original position and s-l-o-w-l-y uncoiled to being flat on my back and eventually the pain subsided. A similar reaction has occurred when I swing my leg out of the car and turn my upper body to stand up. If I do that like I used to do, I'm in trouble.

People say I'm starting to show. I can feel that the bottom of my belly is getting rounder and taunter (is that word? more taunt?). As a result, I think it's pushing the fat up so that my belly starts higher than it used to. I know that pants aren't fitting as well and I can't "suck it in" to make them work anymore like I used to. For now I'm just buying bigger pants, but eventually I'll have to migrate to the belly panelled numbers that are just SO sexy. The issue with those, however, is that you have to get special maternity shirts that are longer in the front so that the panel doesn't show. Do you think Angelina Jolie wore panelled pants or did she just buy a size 10 pants and suffer through the embarrassment of wearing pants with a double-digit size???

Michael ordered a new video camera yesterday that will be able to take still shots as well as motion shots. So, I figure I'll start having him take pictures of me when I can tell that it's more than just my normal fat that is showing. ;-)

A restful weekend

2008-08-03T21:21:00.003-05:00

First of all, WELCOME HOME, SUZIE!!!

Secondly, since it was so flippin' hot this weekend, from Friday night around 6:30 until now - Sunday at 11:30pm, I've been outside to only go from the car into wherever I'm going. So maybe a combined total of 30 minutes?

Finally, I've got a very busy week ahead of me which I'm not particularly looking forward to. It's going to include a 3-day business trip to Columbus, Ohio - a place I've never been. But, it sounds an awful lot like Tulsa so I'm not expecting too much excitement.

Pregnancy-wise, it's pretty boring. Dizziness has subsided, boobs don't hurt QUITE as much (I've discovered that towels with hot water on them do wonders) and belly just keeps stretchin'. I've only gained 8 lbs which is right along with the recommended plan of gaining approximately 10 lbs per trimester. I'm in week 11, so only 1.5 weeks to go before the first trimester is complete.

To close, I have a couple prayer requests that I'd like your support with:

Shawna is struggling with her 2-month old who is not sleeping and who doesn't seem to want to eat. As a result, she feels like she's losing her mind. Pray that someone comes along and provides her relief so she can rest and that she will have the energy to prepare for a new school year (she's a college music professor).
Rene and Sarkis had their little boy, Jean-Paul, on Saturday morning here in Tulsa. I've not had a chance to talk with them yet, but from our network on Facebook, I see that all is well. WELCOME TO THE PLANET, JEAN-PAUL!

It's 106 outside

2008-08-01T17:58:00.001-05:00

I'm hot, I'm tired and I'm hungry.

NEXT!

Another funny sign

2008-07-31T11:53:00.001-05:00

This was at a Thai restaurant here in Tulsa. :-)

Gentle, blah Wednesday

2008-07-30T16:47:00.003-05:00

Nothing good / nothing bad today. Had a pretty strong asthma attack right when I went to bed last night, but after about 45 minutes I got things calmed down and slept hard until morning.

Not sure why, but I've been sleeping on my stomach a LOT the past 1.5 months. This is something I have not done in over 4-5 years. And, I know that I won't be able to do this much longer once the belly starts expanding. But, I think I sleep harder when I'm on my stomach. Only problem is, I always end up with one nostril being closed up - the one on the side of the face that's on the pillow - and that causes me to not breathe as clearly which ultimately means that perhaps I'm not sleeping as well as I think.

Anyway - nothing exciting, obviously - just an observation.

We'll see what tomorrow brings.

The Creator

2008-07-28T09:59:00.002-05:00

The other day at my mom's birthday party, one of her/our friends, Larry, made mention of the correlation between the gestation period for a baby and the Jewish calendar for holy celebrations. Perhaps it was due to my mom teaching a lot of Sunday School classes about the temple and the various other significant symbols from the Old Testament that resulted in me always being fascinated by the Jewish faith. I lived "kosher" for a full week with a Jewish friend of mine in an Orthodox community in California back in '96 - even observed Shabbat (once you turn a light on, you can't turn it off / if you don't turn a light on you can't turn it on / no hot water (aka - no showers) / no cooking (they cook in advance and keep it on a "warmer" for the 24-hour period which of course they turn ON before Shabbat starts, etc.) and had the dinner and attended the synagogue. It was all very fascinating and I left with a very strong sense of connection to my Christian faith and felt an even stronger belief in the power of God and how he orchestrates everything perfectly.

Anyway, Larry had his friend, Diane, send me the actual article that outlines all of the correlations and I wanted to post it. Take time to read it. I'm sure you'll be blessed as I was.

********************
Jewish Holy Days: The Making of a Baby
--By J. R. Church

Zola Levitt discovered an amazing correlation between Jewish Holy Days and the gestation of a human baby, from conception to birth. While preparing for writing a book for new parents, Zola contacted a gynecologist for some help in understanding gestation. During that session, the gynecologist showed him a series of pictures, pointed to the first one (an egg and a sperm) and said, "On the fourteenth day of the first month, the egg appears." The statement struck a chord in his Jewish mind because that was the date of Passover. He remembered the roasted egg on his family table every Passover. Now, for the first time, he knew what it meant! Not wanting to lead the gynecologist off from the subject at hand, he didn’t say anything, but continued to listen.

The gynecologist continued: "The egg must be fertilized within 24 hours, or it will pass on." This reminded Zola of the Feast of Unleavened Bread and the seed or grain that "fell into the ground and died" in order to produce a harvest, the firstfruits of which was presented to God. Next, the gynecologist said, "Within two to six days, the fertilized egg attaches itself to the wall of the womb and begins to grow." And, sure enough, the Jewish evangelist thought, "The Feast of Firstfruits is observed anywhere from two to six days after Passover!"

Next, he was shown a photo of an embryo showing arms, hands, fingers, legs, feet, toes, a head, eyes, etc. The caption said, "Fifty days." The gynecologist continued, "Around the fiftieth day, the embryo takes on the form of a human being. Until then, we don’t know if we have a duck or a tadpole." Zola thought, "That’s Pentecost!"

The next picture showed the embryo at seven months. The gynecologist said, "On the first day of the seventh month, the baby’s hearing is developed. For the first time, it can hear and distinguish sounds outside the womb." Zola knew that was the date for the Jewish Festival of Trumpets.

The gynecologist continued, "On the tenth day of the seventh month, the hemoglobin of the blood changes from that of the mother, to a self-sustaining baby." Zola thought, "That’s the Day of Atonement, when the blood was taken into the Holy of holies!"

Next, the gynecologist said, "On the fifteenth day of the seventh month, the lungs become fully developed. If born before then, the baby would have a hard time breathing." And Zola thought, "That’s the festival of Tabernacles, a time of celebrating the Temple, home of the Shekinah glory or Spirit of God." In the New Testament, the Greek term pneuma, normally translated as "breath," is applied to the "Holy Spirit."

Birth takes place on the tenth day of the ninth month. Eight days after birth, in Jewish families, a son is circumcised. Zola noted that the eight days of Hanukkah are celebrated right on schedule, nine months and ten days after Passover.

No human being could have understood the gestation period 3,500 years ago. The establishment of the Jewish Holy Days was given to Moses by Jehovah, Himself. Its correlation with the human gestation period is not only remarkable; it proves "Intelligent Design." It proves the existence of an intelligence beyond this world. It proves that there is a Creator God that guides the affairs of man.

Happy Birthday, Mama!

2008-07-27T12:10:00.011-05:00

Picture of mom with her good friend, Jane

Hosted my mom's 63rd birthday party at our house yesterday and it was a success. Her friends brought lots of food and Charlotte bought an Italian Creme cake from the best cake maker in town (Wanda's). So, it was a good day.

I normally have a sore back after parties at our house because of the ceramic tile that we have in our kitchen. (NOTE: If I'd known then what I know now, I would have put in a wood floor instead of tile. MUCH more forgiving on my feet and back. I'll either remember that for the next house, or rip out the tile in this house in the next couple of years and replace it with wood.) But, combine my normal reaction with the fact that my back pretty much hurts all the time now with Baby C, I was pretty tired. Everyone was gone by 9:30 and I went straight to bed and slept until 11:00 this morning. Ahhh... the joys of childless living... (29 weeks and 4 days (approximately) until that changes forever!!)

Here's a picture of me wearing the hat of Charlotte's God son, Christian (he's four months - hence the size). Lookin' pretty rough, ain't I??? ha! :-)

I was happy to receive an update and pictures from my friend, Simone. She named their new little girl, Leila Ann and Mom and baby are home. But, Simone did say the following in her update and I wanted to share this with you so that you know how to more accurately pray:

"My 5 day stay in the hospital was quite an ordeal that I'm not really wanting to talk about just yet. I am exhausted, of course, from two days of labor and maybe 2 hours of sleep average a day. Maybe after I get some sleep and recover I'll be better...??? Leila is doing really well...I, on the other hand, not as well. It is going to be a slow recovery for me. Please continue to keep us in your prayers!"

You got it, Simone!

WE SAW IT!!!

2008-07-25T13:29:00.007-05:00

We had our first visit with my new OB today - Dr. Jay Williamson at Tulsa Women's Health Group. Very nice guy - personable, encouraging good sense of humor and blue eyes so clear and blue that I SWEAR I saw a couple of dolphins swimming around. When he looked at my chart and saw that I was 39 his first words were, "Perfect age to have your first baby!" Didn't expect to hear that at all! Later when I told him that I'd not had a shred of morning sickness or difficulty, he said that's payback for waiting later to have a kid." That sounded like a BS line, but I'll take it! ha!

We had an ultrasound and Baby C was wiggling around like crazy. At one point I laughed and it REALLY started movin' around. It's 3.3cm which is around an inch but he said everything looked great. And the heart was beatin' like crazy.

I didn't cry in the doctor's office (even though I prepared and wore waterproof mascara today), but once I got alone in my car I LOST IT!!! All I could think about was that if Jesus feels this way about all of his children, which I know he does, how does it not crush his heart when we ignore him and act like idiots?? I immediately asked forgiveness for any sins and for any way that I have disappointed him and thanked him for this tremendous blessing. After about 10 minutes I calmed down and went back to work - eye shadow and mascara intact. :-)

Unfortunately, we still don't have images that are going to scan very well, but take my word for it - It's in there and doin' strong!

We'll have appointments every four weeks for the first 7 months, then it'll change to every two weeks unless there are complications, in which case they'll be as needed. I'm hoping that on my next appt (August 22nd) we'll be able to tell the sex so I can start buying stuff!!!

See below for very advanced pictures from the internet of a 10-week old fetus which is where we're at. Pretty amazing.

Simone and Baby Update

2008-07-24T13:25:00.003-05:00

Decided to go ahead and try to call Simone's house to see if I got anyone. I got lucky and her mom answered. Simone had her baby girl (I failed to get her name...???) at 2:00am on 7/23. She was something like 8lbs9oz and 19" long. Both mom and baby are well, although mom is recovering from having a blocker injected into her spine and I guess the recovery from that is a bear. Grandma is hanging out with big brother, Nicholas and is happy to add a little girl to the mix.

So, please continue to keep Simone and baby in your prayers. I was just relieved to know that they're both okay.

Thank you for any prayers you may have already offered up and will continue to offer up on Simone's behalf.

OB Appointment

2008-07-24T11:09:00.002-05:00

I may have mentioned that my first appointment with my new OB was on July 23rd (yesterday). But, from the beginning when my fertility doctor referred me to this doctor, I didn't feel right about her. Never met the woman. But as my heightened instincts continue to be correct, I decided to listen to that instinct and pursue someone else.

I did a quick poll of about 20 moms in the Tulsa area and asked who they used and if they liked them to give me their name and tell me why they liked them. I kept getting referred to the same doctor - Dr Williamson - or another doctor in his same group - Tulsa Women's Health Group. So, I decided to go with him and my first appointment with him is tomorrow at 10:00am. I'm hoping that we'll get pictures of Baby C that we can scan and post on here, so stay tuned.

Meanwhile, still have not heard an update on my friend, Simone. I want to call but I don't want to bother them either. I'll let you know if I get an update. Please keep praying for them.

Also, I'm on Day 2 of staying off of my prenatal vitamins and two things are good:
1. I'm not constipated
2. I'm not as dizzy

Hmmm...

Off to lunch!

Jesus and Wrasslin'

2008-07-23T17:35:00.003-05:00

For the past several months, a church in my mom's neighborhood has been the source of much laughter for me. I kept wanting to get a picture but I never had my camera... until last Saturday.

Yes - that is correct. A church is sponsoring Pro Wrestling every Saturday. It's not live... no, no... They pay for the Pay-per-view connection and watch it on a big screen. I guess this is their "outreach?" How would you like your testimony on how you came to be a Christian to include the words, "... and when I saw that man pummel his opponent and stuff his face in his armpit, my heart was convicted and I knew I needed Jesus!"

This and many other wonderful experiences can be yours by attending Sheridan Avenue Christian Church!!!

PRAYER REQUESTS

2008-07-22T22:50:00.002-05:00

1. My friend Simone (see blog, Wiens World) was supposed to be induced yesterday at 37.5 weeks. She has preclampsia (sp?) and risks are high. I haven't heard the results, but I know she needs prayer. She and her husband also have a 2-year old son so keep them all in your prayers.

2. I keep having dizzy spells and it doesn't seem to be related to food which hopefully rules out the idea that it's gestational diabetes. I'm wondering if it's the darn pre-natal vitamins. I'm on my 5th brand and so far I've had issues with each one. Either way, I have my first appt with my new Ob-Gyn and I pray that he'll have the wisdom to diagnose my situation properly.

It's late and I'm tired.

Shrinkage and other random thoughts

2008-07-20T21:57:00.015-05:00

QUESTION I'VE BEEN PONDERING: So I wonder if the baby will just fill up my belly fat, or will the fat end up being there in addition to the baby mass? Today, I noticed that the bottom of my stomach is getting tighter and my belly is kind of "drawing" up and shrinking. Could it be??? Perhaps it will just move my fat up higher so that it will push my boobs up so far that they'll end up bobbing on the bottom of my chin!!! Oh my! On to more deeper thoughts...

LIFE PONDERINGS THAT KINDA TIE INTO BABY CORTEZ (See if you can hang with me and follow my logic). We got daddy's crappage unit (glad you liked this one, Shan) cleaned out yesterday. I had to practically tie my mother's hands up from trying to salvage everything for herself. But, we took two truckloads to the dump and ended up making $75 from some guy that came by his own storage unit, saw our stuff and bought a bunch of it off our hands. Then my uncle took a truckload full of the fishing stuff and we brought back a decent load that I plan on trying to re-sell either at a pawn shop or via Craig's List.

This process has been a real eye-opener to me. I don't know if it's worse with people who grow up poor or if it has something to do with my parents' generation being raised by people who grew up during the depression. Whatever the reason, it seems like SO MANY people my parents' age are hoarders. But the majority of the stuff is either never used because they forget they even have it, or it couldn't be used if they wanted to because its broken. The majority of my dad's crappage unit contained things that he'd picked up out of people's trash piles or at garage sales that he was going to fix one day and make money on. When we cleaned out his trailer last February, he had PILES of stuff such as:

Chipped or cracked dishes with the missing pieces laying inside because he was going to glue it back together.
A crockpot with a missing knob that you had to use pliers to control.
(My personal favorite) He had his caller ID box (you know - the one we all had before they started making phones with the caller ID built in... which his phone had...??) on an upside-down plunger that he stabilized by sticking the handle in the an old microphone stand. I'M NOT KIDDING!

With my in-laws, they have shelves in front of shelves full of stuff they don't use. They have closets full of clothes that they haven't touched in over 10 years. They also have four VCRs stacked on top of each other, none of which work but they're "gonna get fixed and re-sell them one day." (Umm... Have ya heard of DVD's pops?)

What this reiterates solidly in my brain is the importance of keeping things simple. As a result, one of my newest rules is this: IF YOU DON'T USE IT, LOSE IT! (Don't worry - I'm not going tree-hugger or anything, although Michael just noticed that my armpit hairs are getting a little long... ha!) Now. This does not include sentimental memorabilia. If someone gave something to me back in the day and it conjures up a good feeling or memory, then I'm all for keeping that. But even then, you forget the significance sometimes. Just like today - I ran across a heart-shaped little thing that was made out of woven straw and inside it I had a couple of dried rose buds. I know at one point that meant something to me because some guy had given me both the container and the roses. But do you think I could remember who the heck it was??? NO! So, I got rid of it. It'd been sitting in a drawer and not seen the light of day in years anyway.

This line of thinking seems significant to me because as we embark on adding another little person into our world, I want to be sure that we don't start accumulating stuff just for the sake of having STUFF. We have already committed ourselves to investing in quality basics and the rest of it can stay in the store. And, I hope that we can keep this attitude as the kid ages and buying toys and 'entertainment' devices becomes more of a demand. Kids in third-world countries have fun with tires and a stick! Why does my kid need the Baby Einstein chemistry set (or whatever that brand throws out there)? I know, I know... It's a fine line between letting a child feel equal to their peers which in turn feeds their level of self-esteem which helps them for the rest of their lives vs. over-indulging simply because either we can't say no or because we buy into the myth that (fill in the blank with latest craze) is crucial to our child's existence.

I also know that typically each generation is a flip-flop of whatever their childhood was like (e.g. parents give kids everything / those kids grow up and become parents and make their kids work for everything - no hand outs because they resent never learning the importance of working for their stuff and consequences of bad choices / their kids grow up and give their kids everything because their parents gave them nothing... you get the picture). But, when it comes to stuff, I never had much as a kid (at least not new) and that seems okay to me because when I look back at my upbringing it's not the 'stuff ' I miss or the part of my childhood that I wish I could change (I'll refrain from going into that right now - aren't you glad?). Michael, on the other hand, seemed to get whatever he wanted from his parents. So, it's going to be interesting to see what sort of compromise we come to. Our children don't have wealthy grandparents so we won't have to worry about them over-giving.

I guess I just want to be sure that our child knows the importance of experience rather than having stuff. As we were driving to Grove yesterday, we saw lots of horses and cows and I thought, "Man. Before I turned 14 I had actually ridden a horse several times. I remember the smell of a barn and the amazing feeling of nuzzling up against a horse's nose, one of the softest things ever. I helped birth baby calves.

I rode in big tractors to cut hay or wheat and big trucks to carry the grain into town. I rode my bicycle all sorts of places (barefooted usually) - red hair flyin' in the breeze. I learned how to drive a standard on the back roads of South Carolina and Nebraska. I'd lived in four different states and traveled to/through at least 20 others. THAT'S what I want to give my child - the chance to experience as much of God's given earth as possible. Forget all that extra junk!"

So we'll see how the "keep it simple" plan goes. Besides, if we want give our child the luxury of experience we'll need to save our money instead of spending it on stuff!!

A new day...

2008-07-18T22:47:00.003-05:00

On my now-favorite website, 3Dpregnancy.com, it tells me that my embryo has officially become a fetus and that this coming week Baby C will start growing the different parts that make up the inside of their ears. Isn't that just amazing??? I kinda teared up when I read that.

Counting the days until my appointment on Wednesday. I wanna see this little critter again! Still too early to find out the gender, but it'll be amazing to compare the difference from our first ultrasound four weeks ago.

Tomorrow I get the joy of cleaning out my dad's storage unit that contains heaps of crap. On his $50 per month that he's getting after Medicaid takes his Social Security, I can't afford to be paying $25/month for a crappage unit. Don't worry... I'm taking help AND lots of water. But since there aren't any 'facilities' on the premises, it'll be interesting to see how I handle the gotta-pee-every-20-minutes phenomenon. It's not that the baby is pushing on anything yet, obviously, but rather that my body isn't used to so much water. And, according to the aforementioned website, I'm "peeing for two" now! ha! That made me laugh.

I ain't feelin' it today...

2008-07-17T09:09:00.004-05:00

I made the mistake of getting on the scale last night and now I'm in a funk. Everyone knows I'm overweight. Always have been. Even though I may have weighed 50-60 lbs less in high school than I do today, I was still heavier than my peers back then. Plus, my weight gain has been a very gradual process over the years so that it hasn't felt too invasive or uncomfortable. Last night the scale informed me that I've gained 10 lbs in the past two months. YOUCH! At this rate, I could get up to 300 lbs before this is all over with and THAT freaks me out because I KNOW that can't be good. So, how do I keep the weight gain at a minimum and yet still have enough to feed the baby properly?

My first appointment with my Ob-Gyn next Wednesday can't get here fast enough. I hope she's able to get me on a solid nutrition program so that I don't end up with gestational diabetes, etc.

I probably shouldn't be freaking out TOO much because I'm not eating any more than I usually do and what I am eating is more healthy than normal. So, perhaps it's just that extra blood that they tell me I'm producing for the baby, along with the placentia, etc. Either way, please say a prayer for my brain and anxiety level today.

Shawna Update and Waist Extenders

2008-07-16T17:05:00.008-05:00

After a night in the hospital, Baby Joshua is eating again and his rash is subsiding. Shawna's mastitis is diminishing thanks to antibiotics. Her husband is on his way in from California and hopefully they will be able to enjoy the remaining week that they have in Colorado. She had left me a voice mail last night and I could tell that she was DONE and I immediately kicked into overdrive on the prayers. Nice to see that it paid off. Thanks to any of you that prayed. I know she really appreciated it and DEFINITELY witnessed the results.

Meanwhile, all is well for me. It's like my body was MADE to be pregnant. I know - duh - I'm a woman, but I mean with regard to how I feel? I've never felt better. My blood pressure is down, I'm not having my normal indigestion from stupid things like strawberries or lettuce and thankfully my nasal allergies are also cooperating. My feet are a bit swollen, but they'd probably be like that in this heat regardless of whether I was pregnant or not. I think I'm going to have to get some waist extenders for my pants cuz my belly is starting to grow and all of my pants are starting to cut into my skin pretty bad. Or, I could always use these things that I found on the 'net called Belly Ups. hahahahahahahaaaa!!!

I ordered my first official pair of pregnancy pants and they arrived yesterday. I want to prolong wearing those as much as possible because I know I'm going to be SICK of them in the end. :-) I don't plan on spending too much money on maternity clothes which is going to be a tremendous challenge for me because when it comes to clothing options and variety I'm the queen! Will I be able to survive with only 2-3 pairs of pants and 5-10 shirts for six months? Probably not. Who am I kidding??? ha! But, I'm going to have to wait until the fall stuff comes out because the majority of my "engorged" months will be during the winter. YEA and thank God for that!

My friend needs prayer ASAP

2008-07-15T15:19:00.001-05:00

My dear friend, Shawna, just called from Colorado where she's been for the past 1.5 weeks visiting her parents with her two sons. Her husband joins them tomorrow for one more week. But, since they arrived to Colorado, it's been one terrible thing after another - she got mastitis in both breasts, which means that her youngest (Joshua who is 2.5 months old) can't breastfeed and now he's dehydrated and demonstrating strange symptoms that they're saying may be meningitis so he's going to have to go to the ER and get a spinal tap. Meanwhile, her 3-year old, Jack, has an ear infection and is completely disoriented.

So, Shawna, Joshua and Jack all need a special touch from Jesus. Please pray.

Belly laughs

2008-07-14T08:54:00.006-05:00

Michael and I had one of our silly moments last night that had us laughing hysterically. I've always liked laughing from my belly, but now that I'm pregnant I love it even more. It feels like I'm sending Baby C good vibes and setting him/her up for a joyful existence.

This morning I checked my Yahoo account and had some jokes with the theme, "And then the fight started..." This is the one that made me belly laugh this morning:

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started...

I don't care who ya are... That's funny.

Almost too peaceful...

2008-07-13T10:54:00.003-05:00

I know - I'm never happy, huh? But with me not having any morning sickness I keep having waves of doubt as to whether or not I'm actually pregnant. I'm not complaining, nor am I asking God to make me sick so I know! But it is a bit of a strange situation to know something in my head but not feel it in my body too significantly. I'm sure in 6+ months I'll be BEGGING to feel this way, right? So until then, I'm enjoying the peace and listening to the tips that my body is giving me (You're tired - sleep. You're hungry for fruit - eat it.) Right now it's telling me that it's hungry for french toast and fresh fruit from IHOP! Off we go!

AAAAaaarrrrgggghhhh!

2008-07-11T14:40:00.003-05:00

This is pretty much how I feel about my boobs right now. After two months of constant pain, I'm about to rip 'em off! But, I suppose I should be grateful because I've still not had one shred of morning sickness. That's a blessing. Not sure how I'd keep working if I were throwing up all the time. But, to have such masses of pain to lug around? OY! And, what the HECK am I going to end up with by the end of the 9 months? Oh dear... So much for "fun bags!"

Peace Providers

2008-07-10T23:12:00.004-05:00

I had quite a few of my friends contact me after the "Peace Invaders" post to make sure they had not caused me any distress by some of the loving suggestions / experiences/comments they had given to me. I was quick to assure them that as my FRIENDS, I take their information as a God send. It's the critical and doom-n-gloomers that rob my peace - things like, "Don't eat ____ because it will cause your baby to be cross-eyed." Or, yelling at me and telling me how I should live my life and raise my children? Not acceptable.

Meanwhile, there are some good pieces of advice that I've received so far that have provided not only peace, but laughter. Below is a hilarious list of good tips that a co-worker emailed me after I announced the news at work.

Unsolicited advice follows:

It is perfectly normal to feel like throwing your newborn out of the window. Nobody is “adorable” at 3 am.
Despite what Dr. Spock says, kids don’t come with instructions and you WILL feel like the worst parent in the world (totally normal)
Let the grandparents visit and sit as often as they like, you will need the time to yourselves.
Tell your mother (and his) to “mind their own business” early and often.
Nothing makes you feel as warm and complete of a human being as when your baby smiles at you. This is a trick. Deception is their only defense at this age.
Carry copies of the child abuse laws in your purse. Hand them out to people who scold you for spanking your children in public.
Children under 8 make no sense. Don’t rationalize with them.
“Because I’m the adult” is a perfectly good rebuttal for any argument.
If your child doesn’t X by the age of Y it’s not because they are retarded. They just aren’t ready yet.
(X = talk, walk, sit, stand, do cartwheels, read, write, win a Pulitzer)
(Y = any age the experts or your mother thinks is right)
You have a child; not expiring milk. Stop referring to their age in months after the first 12 months.

Done. I will never give you kid advice again. Come to me when you want to have an adult conversation about philosophy or astrophysics.

I am totally at peace with all of this. :-) Thanks, Chris!

Hard day

2008-07-08T21:26:00.004-05:00

Today was a rough day. It started out okay, but then Michael called me from work to tell me that some guy in their warehouse had been fired and was threatening to come and shoot up the place. This is an especially sore subject considering the tragedy that occurred in February 2005 where one of Michael's friends and co-worker across the hall was shot and killed by her disillusioned ex-husband right there in the office. Thankfully, his company took this matter seriously and had cops and security there for extra measure all day. I tried to remain strong for him because we are each other's rock. But, after I hung up, I lost it. All of the different possibilities flooded my brain and I couldn't get myself stopped. I had to pull over because I was driving when he called.

Once I was able to get a breath, I immediately started praying and asking God for protection and for peace and told that crazy Evil One to go to hell and leave me alone. Then I started calling my prayer warriors. And, by the time I got to work, I had calmed down and felt at peace.

I ache for those pregnant women who lost their husbands on 9/11, or for women who's husbands are off at war. However, for those involved in the war, that is a conscious choice to put yourself in harm's way (and thank God for those that are willing to do that). But for the people on 9/11 who are going to their boring, safe office jobs (like Michael), tragedy is not something that even crosses your mind.

Anyway, I'm relieved to say that my beloved is across the hall in his office perfecting the lighting and shadowing of one of his newest 3D characters and we're about ready to go to bed - together. And for that I am forever grateful.

God bless those who have lost those that they love

PEACE INVADERS

2008-07-07T19:45:00.009-05:00

I've come up with my own title for people who throw out words that completely attack my peace: PEACE INVADERS. And, I'm finding out that they're everywhere, even some of the people that you're supposed to be able to trust the most.

As I said in my profile description on this blog, I figured out a long time ago that the environment that I grew up in was not the ONLY way to live. As a result, I set out to find a different truth - one that was more positive, uplifting and provided more guidance. Part of this process required learning how to decipher truth from un-truth for myself which required a lot of listening and paying attention to my intuition (aka "Holy Spirit").

One of the ways that my confidence has been detoured in years past is when people that I relatively trust utter, as they call them, "Words of caution." Many times these words have been twisted into fear in my brain and it has taken me awhile to sort through the muck and get to the truth which turns out to not be anything that they've mentioned.

Now, I'm realizing that pregnancy is an automatic membership into the Tell Everything You Think Club which means all sorts of advice, stories and experiences are shared without even being asked for. The majority of these shared experiences are preempted with, "Well, let me just tell you some of the things that doctors never tell you..." and they proceed to share the most dreadful of stories. It's also an unsolicited opening for giving all sorts of advice on how I should eat, what I should do or not do, what my baby is going to be or do, etc. Fortunately, I am discovering that pregnancy is by FAR the most intuition-driven experience of my life so far. As a result, I am picking up very quickly on things that don't set well with me and therefore have been able to separate the good from the bad. However, that doesn't mean that it's not an internal, mental struggle to overcome the doubts and the fears that pound in my head and a lot of those struggles are displaying themselves in my very avid dreams. Most of these Peace Invaders come from an honest, caring place. But, add those doubts with all of these hormones bombarding my body and brain, and, well... Let's just say it's not a very pleasant experience for anyone around. So, it's become very obvious to me that I MUST protect myself from invaders and I don't care who I have to tell to shutup in order to maintain that.

But what do you do if the biggest offenders are immediate family, like my own sister? The people that you're supposed to delight in sharing this experience with? That's my latest challenge. Charlotte crossed a major line last night and now I'm having to put her on the TOXIC - KEEP AWAY list. It's sad, but EVERY fiber in my being tells me that this is necessary. Baby Cortez does not need that venomous anger in its veins which seems to be what Charlotte not only spits out, but invokes. It's sad, but it's my reality.

So, last night I didn't sleep well because I couldn't stop crying. But, I got it out of my system and gave it to God which is where I'll let it stay. And tonight, let's hope that I am able to sleep in UN-invaded peace!

Amazing website

2008-07-04T22:35:00.001-05:00

In the process of looking for interesting names, we found this incredible site that shows 2D and 3D pictures of what the fetus looks like by week. I'm on Week 7, so check it out:

http://3dpregnancy.parentsconnect.com/calendar/7-weeks-pregnant.html

Now they know...

2008-07-04T17:51:00.003-05:00

So, we just finished telling Michael's parents and we got a tear from Daddy Cortez. Very sweet. Now Sophie is calling all of her brothers and sisters and telling them the news, so it's all spreading around the country.

Very happy...

Kerr-plunk!

2008-07-02T14:51:00.008-05:00

That's the sound of me diving into the deep end and deciding to let the whole world know our news. Sent out an email to over 200 people last night and have wasted a morning of work mulling over all of the congratulatory replies. I LOVE IT!!! I also got to tell two of my best girlfriends in Tulsa today after having to painfully wait for the past 10 days because one of them was on vacation and I HAD to tell them together. It was awesome.

I cried this morning at the thought of how much of an honor this is. I do not understand why some people never get to experience this while others who do not respect the role of parenthood can pop babies out like a tennis ball machine. But, this is one of the areas that I have to make a conscious decision to not question God and trust that he is in control. But don't think that it's not on my list of questions to ask when I arrive at his feet!!!

Looking forward to telling Michael's parents this weekend. I know as soon as I do, his mom is going to go crazy and won't let me do a thing. "Don't lift that paper plate, Lynette. You don't want to hurt the baby!" ha! This is the ONLY time in my life that I'll be able to get by with being so "lazy" and I plan to enjoy every luxurious moment of it!

Surprise!

2008-07-01T16:22:00.019-05:00

I'm working from home today, as I am blessed to be able to do from time to time, and as I was in the middle of a conference call, I heard the doorbell ring. I ignored it, but it rang again. I looked out from one of the upstairs windows and see a woman walking back to a van with a bouquet of flowers. So I put the phone on mute and ran down to catch her. They were from Michael - my beloved - with a card that read, "To my two bundles of joy... I love you." Could I have a better husband? Don't think so.

When can I start??

2008-07-01T11:00:00.009-05:00

I've been through this before - receiving all sorts of personal experience stories from other people when I'm in the midst of a new experience for myself. But for some reason, this time it's bugging me. It's to the point that I'm questioning when I can start enjoying this process.

Should I wait until after the first trimester?

Plenty of people have miscarried during the first trimester
Plenty of people have miscarried AFTER the first trimester

Should I wait until Little One is born?

There are women who deliver still-borns
There are women who have a beautiful pregnancy, a beautiful birth and then - WHAM - all hell breaks loose. Two words: BABY NOAH

Should I wait until Little One starts school?

Dear God help me - I'm already worried about letting Little One out into the wild of the world to attend school. Anything can happen then too.

It seems that women past 50 are the worst about sharing doom and gloom experiences. I understand this because the older the you get the more of life's crappy things happen to you and those you love and therefore that becomes more of your reality. So, when you hear of similar experiences, you can't help but share in hopes that your experience can help. But, can't those of us who HAVEN'T been through this particular mire yet, just simply enjoy the process and deal with the crap when or if it hits? Last I knew, NO ONE has benefited from being forewarned when it comes down to dealing with a terrible challenge. Learning from situations like that are always done in retrospect.

Last night I came home after being told by a friend of my mom's that her daughter had two miscarriages before she had a successful pregnancy. I was so overwhelmed with fear AND tiredness that I went to bed at 8:15 and slept until 8am this morning. I gave it all to Jesus and that's where I've had to put it again this morning. I can't let myself obsess over the "What ifs?" because it will throw me into a pit of despair which is NOT fair to myself, Michael or, more importantly, Little One.

So, I CHOOSE TO START ENJOYING THIS TODAY - RIGHT NOW. And, if something happens to alter the course of this process, then we'll deal with it. And, if someone tells me their horror story, I'll have to pray for strength to bite my tongue and keep on dancing.

Nope - it's the real deal

2008-06-30T11:00:00.005-05:00

Had the ultrasound today and we saw that "Little Peanut" has a very strong heart beat. I really don't think Little One is even the size of a peanut, but there's definitely something there. I tried to scan the ultrasound image so I could post it here but it was too dark and didn't transpose very well. I'll see what Michael can do with his fancier equipment.

My current doctor (the one that did the ovary surgery) is leaving for Africa for a three-week vacation on Thursday and she is not comfortable with leaving me without care for that long. So, she's referring me to an OB-Gyn that will see me through the rest of the process. Not sure when my first appointment will be with her, but I'm glad that I'll be able to see someone again soon.

We told my dad yesterday by telling him that if everything continues to go well, that he would become a grandfather sometime in February. He got a really big grin on his face. Charlotte was there too and she asked me if I planned on breastfeeding, which I plan to at least try to do. My dad may not remember what day of the week it is, but he remembered my mom breast-feeding me and how I'd cry when I was hungry and he would go and pick me up and bring me to mama and I'd stay awake the whole time while I was feeding and then MAYBE fall back to sleep. He said Charlotte would whimper a little bit when she was hungry but sleep through the whole process. Amazing.
I think I've shared this picture with some of you before, but this is a picture of me sleeping on my daddy's shoulder when I was around 14 months old. I hope we have a redheaded girl...

Meanwhile, still no sickness - just sore and hot boobies! Yes - I said hot! Crazy.

So, six weeks and three days along. Only 34 weeks and four days to go!!!! (Holy crap!)

Phantom?

2008-06-29T11:20:00.008-05:00

While I'm very grateful that I'm not experiencing any morning/afternoon/evening sickness, it's a little strange because I expected it to be a lot more physically altering. In fact, I'm starting to wonder if I'm really even pregnant. However, the pain in my boobs has not subsided and that is enough for me right now. I can't even explain the pain. Every now and then I get a tight, pulling feeling in my lower abdomen and had my friend, Suzie, not told me that this is normal (the uterus and surrounding muscles are stretching), I probably would have thought that I was miscarrying.

We've got our first ultrasound tomorrow and I'll let everyone know what they find out.

Meanwhile, here's another funny sign that I found while traveling to Virginia Beach over three years ago. Michael and I are trying to prepare ourselves for not cussing and that is probably going to be one of the biggest adjustments ever! Perhaps I need to inquire and see if I can find one of these signs for our house as a reminder! ha!

Need prayer

2008-06-27T11:08:00.004-05:00

Some of you may recall that a year or more ago I started having problems with an elevated heart rate. After quite a few tests, it was determined that I have a very healthy heart but that I suffer from anxiety. No surprise there. Anyway, they gave me a few drugs to help me calm things down, but now that I'm prego, I'm having to taper off those drugs and now I feel my heart doing weird things again.

I told Little One today that I'm sorry if Mommy is a little crazy inside and I promised to do all that I could to make his/her introduction into the world as smooth as possible.

So, I need y'all to pray that I'll be able to stay calm because this is NOT a good feeling.

Meanwhile, here's a picture that I took on one of my recent trips to Atlanta for work. If you don't see anything wrong with this, then let me know. ha! Good stuff.

Awww...

2008-06-26T17:13:00.003-05:00

I think Michael is warming up to the idea of Little One (he's referring to "it" as a critter, but I'll let that slide for now - ha!). This morning when he kissed me goodbye on his way to work, he said, "I love you both." My heart melted. It's great that he can still get me all twitterpated! :-) Love that man...

The number is getting higher

2008-06-25T22:04:00.002-05:00

Who the heck am I kidding? I've never been able to keep a secret about myself, even if telling it made me look like a fool! For those that have known me for awhile, see if these clues bring back any memories:

1. "Bam-bam!"
2. It went up my nose!
3. Why don't we use a shower cap?

Yea... I know.

So, the number of people whom I've told is now up to 25. To some that might seem like a lot, but I've got at LEAST 300 more to go!!! ha! There are still some very close friends that I've not been able to reach and we aren't telling Michael's brother and parents until we go down and visit next week. So, if you're reading this and you know someone I know, please don't tell them because if they don't know about this blog, then they don't know the news yet. :-)

Everything is still going fine. No nausea yet - thank God. I went to TJ Maxx tonight to buy a couple of outfits for a college friend who just had a baby girl and I had to STOP myself from buying stuff for Little One. Good grief - this child won't stand a chance when it comes to clothes!

On to bed... I'm tired.

Who to tell...

2008-06-24T11:32:00.006-05:00

So, I'm 39 - only 3.5 months away from turning 40. I've never been pregnant before. I already have high blood pressure and am overweight. Yes - I am probably considered a "high risk" pregnancy. This I know. So, deciding how many people to tell is somewhat of an issue because if something WERE to happen, then having to inform those people if we lose it could be a challenge. However, if something does happen, then I'll need a network of support. So, I'm being selective with whom I tell and after the first 9-12 weeks, we'll start telling more people.

Last night Michael and I went to my mom's house and told her. Her "significant other", Emerson, was there also, which was great because he's part of the family. Anyway, she reacted exactly as I expected: excited for a split second, then immediately discredited it with, "Don't wanna get your hopes up because anything could happen..." Story of my life. She's never excited about anything for too long. She was like this when Michael and I got engaged too. It wasn't until we'd been married for about a year when she finally said, "He really loves you, doesn't he?" I figure that when this baby pops out and lives for a good six months then perhaps she'll allow herself to enjoy it. Bless her!

Meanwhile, I'm going to be keeping a running list of things that I'm learning through this process. I know this will be old news to those that have already had children and maybe even for those that haven't. But, for the purpose of using this blog as documentation of my personal process, this is important for me. So, here goes:

NEW THINGS THAT I'M LEARNING ABOUT PREGNANCY:
1. They don't calculate the due date based on time of conception. Instead, they base it off of the first day of your last period and then count 40 weeks after that. So, it's officially more of a 10-month process instead of 9. With that being said, Little One will pop out sometime in mid-late February 2009.

2. They do blood work very early to determine levels of "pregnancy hormones": Beta HCG and Progesterone. The first hormone is important for the development of the baby. The second is important for the development of the uterus lining so the fetus can cling on, stick and grow. I had blood drawn yesterday and my levels for both of these is very strong and positive.

*****

So far, I've not had ANY sickness - morning or otherwise. I'm very grateful for that. I have gained five pounds, but people tell me that this is because the volume of blood increases as soon as you conceive because it's going to my uterus to help grow the fetus. Amazing.

We have an appointment for our first ultrasound on Monday - June 30th. Supposedly, they should be able to hear a heartbeat already. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT???

I keep wandering around kind of dazed because I know that these months are precious because they are the final months for Michael and I to be exclusive. We just celebrated our 3-year anniversary and these have been incredible years. We do life well together and pray that this new challenge of being parents will be handled with the same wisdom, unity and clarity. I know he'll be a wonderful, loving daddy, just as he's a wonderful, loving husband.

OH MY GOD!!!

2008-06-23T16:39:00.003-05:00

So, it's official. WE'RE PREGNANT! I had surgery on my ovaries on May 14th because I never ovulated due to too many follicles on my ovaries. So, the doctor went in and poked around and cauterized some of the follicles and drilled larger holes and, well... here we are! I'm thinking that the inception occurred on May 29th and, according to my doctor, I should deliver sometime around late February/early March 2009.

Michael and I are both in shock. I seriously didn't think it would happen this fast. I took a pregnancy test on Sunday, June 22nd because my boobs had been hurting for weeks and I had gained around five lbs. When I saw the two lines appear, I kept referring to the package to be sure that meant positive. I then yelled at Michael and I met him on the stairs. When I showed him the stick and the guide to explain what the lines meant, his face froze and he just sat down on one of the stairs. I sat down with him and then we made eye contact and both said, "Oh my God!"

I started crying. I really doubted my body's ability to get pregnant and I have done a pretty good job of removing myself from a specific outcome on this whole process. I just wanted my ovaries to work right and for me to have periods without having to take hormones. I also cried because I have had so much anxiety about my ability to be a good mother - actually, I don't doubt that, but I HAVE doubted my ability to put to rest the patterns from my family that still haunt me from time-to-time. But, I've said from the beginning that if God believes that I am capable of providing a stable, loving and relatively dysfunctional-free environment for a child, then he would give me one. And, I would take his giving me one as the ultimate confirmation that he has my back and won't let me fall.

So.
I am humbled.
I am scared.
I am excited.
I am hopeful.
And, my boobs still hurt!!!!!

Grab on, Little One. It's gonna be a fun ride!

Do YOU know "The Secret?" Don't be fooled!

2007-03-07T18:06:00.000-06:00

I'll admit that in the past five years I have retreated to a place that is far less hip to the latest trends, although not as badly as SOME of my friends. So, it's no surprise that it wasn't until Oprah introduced "The Secret" on her show two weeks ago that I had not heard of it, even though supposedly it's ALL everyone is talking about now. If you STILL haven't heard about it, then a very basic definition would be that it is the "law of attraction." Like attracts like - what you put out is what you get back - what we say becomes our reality, etc. There is both a book and a DVD out that has several contributors who are experts in the power of positive thinking that this is all based upon. Oprah ended up introducing it two weeks ago, and then did a follow-up show a week later because I guess Oprah.com blew up with responses to it.

I have to say that processing this whole idea has put my brain in quite a spin. As a result, my body is really in a mess. I have a knot in my neck that refuses to let go. My stomach is in constant turmoil and I can't sleep. This says to me that I need to define the truth of it for myself and hopefully this blog will help.

I'll start with the positive things I got out of it:
1. New and good will not enter your life until you are grateful for everything you have RIGHT NOW, even the frustrating or "bad".
2. Debt is rooted in unforgiveness and entitlement.
3. True forgiveness is being able to thank the wrongdoer for what they did to you. OR, put another way, true forgiveness is accepting that the past should not/could not have been any different.

These are all very powerful statements to me. I'd already adopted and applied #1 over five years ago, and since then my life has truly blossomed in ways that I could have never predicted. Keeping a Gratitude Journal was a pivotal contribution to this process. Some days I had to struggle to come up with just five things (that's the base rule) to be grateful for (e.g. I'm breathing (even if I didn't want to be), I have a pillow and a bed, a car that runs, etc). But as I got more into it, it became a challenge to keep my list UNDER 10 items each day!

#2, however, struck a major "A-HA" chord in me. It made perfect sense when I heard it, but I'd never connected the two before. The twisted thing about it is, however, that while we THINK we're giving ourselves what we deserve because so-n-so never gave it to us, we only end up getting ourselves into a bigger hole that simply confirms our biggest fear - that we are not good enough to deserve the best from ourselves OR from anyone else. DEBT.

#3 is one that I'm still working on, especially with my dad. I can honestly say that I'm glad that I grew up how I did because even though it was hard, it HAS made me a stronger, better, more honest person. But what I'm currently dealing with is that my dad seems to regret not doing MORE abusing – as if that is the solution to everything. So, forgiving him in the NOW is something that I'm currently struggling with. I'm sure I'll figure it out in time.

Meanwhile, here are some concerns that I have with "The Secret" as it was presented (NOTE: I have not watched the DVD or read the book. But I am familiar with writings of several of the contributors in years past so I think I have a pretty good grip of the basic philosophy.)

1. ALL power is put in MY hands, my head, my mouth, my thoughts, and my deeds.
2. "God" is defined in a way that I am not personally in agreement with.
3. It all seems very familiar to the Charismatic church's mantra from the '80s: Name It and Claim It!
4. While they purport that "serving others" should be our main focus, I'm afraid that too many simple-minded or lazy people are going to latch onto the "benefit" side of it and not the necessary action that is required.

The main thing that sets my spirit in a whirl is that while I KNOW that God gives us free will, I can't get past the idea that it's all about ME and what I want. I could list at LEAST 20 things that in my own life that if I had gotten what I just KNEW was best for me or that I HAD to have, my life would have been a disaster! It has only been when I finally got the idea of LETTING God take control of my life that things have opened up. I don't WANT the full responsibility of being the one in charge of ALL of my decisions. Or, terrified that if one day I let my fear take over my thoughts (as we are all prone to do some days – its called PMS) that my entire future is screwed up because of what I put OUT THERE.

Each morning I read from a devotional book that groups similar-themed Bible scriptures together on one page for each day of the year. As is typical with this book, just yesterday this was the group of scriptures that seemed to PERFECTLY put into words as what I believe is the truth. As a result, my spirit is a little more settled. Here are the scriptures:

"Where is the man who fears the Lord? God will teach him how to choose the best. (Psalm 25:12) The Lord guided them by a pillar of cloud during the daytime and by a pillar of fire at night. (Exodus 13:21) Your words are a flashlight to light the path ahead of me, and keep me from stumbling. (Psalms 119:105) I f you leave God's paths and go astray, you will hear a Voice behind you say, "No, this is the way; walk here." (Isaiah 30:21) I will instruct you (says the Lord) and guide you along the best pathway for your life/ I will advise you and watch your progress. Don't be like a senseless horse or mule that has to have a bit in its mouth to keep it in line! Many sorrows come to the wicked, but abiding love surrounds those who trust in the Lord. So rejoice in him, all those who are his, and shout for joy, all those who try to obey him. (Psalms 32: 8-11) And when we obey him, every path he guides us on is fragrant with his loving kindness and his truth. (Psalms 25:10) O Lord, I know it is not within the power of man to map his life and plan his course. (Jeremiah 10:23) Show me the path where I should go, O Lord; point out the right road for me to walk. (Psalms 25:4)

HALLELUJAH!!!! Just reading these again sent chills throughout my body. THAT is the truth, my friend. THAT is "the SECRET" (if there is such a thing) – that God is our advocate, our protector, our leader, our guide. Any time I try to pave my own way, I end up confused and disappointed. Don't those scriptures above just fill your heart with peace knowing that we have someone that is bigger, stronger, kinder, more loving, more gracious, wiser and boundary-less than US????????

THAT is what causes me stress about this – that too much emphasis is put on the individual and NOT enough stress is put on the fact that God holds us accountable. To me the truth is that if we align ourselves to HIS will, then what we naturally gravitate to or desire will be right. In that way, our "thoughts" do control our future. BUT, without the first key element – aligning ourselves to God's will – then all we're doing is setting ourselves up for disappointment.

"Ye shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free!"

Can it be?

2007-02-04T11:24:00.000-06:00

When my husband and I first met, I was working with a ballet company which required me to travel every now and then for tours. I quit that job, but the new job that I started six months later required me to travel all the time to train customers. I kept that up for 18 months and then transitioned to another position that has left me on the ground for the past year. Now I'm transitioning again and this position is going to require that I travel more than the ballet, but not as much as the training. Here's what I'm wanting to share.

When Michael and I first started dating, I think it was good to have the distance because it prevented me from smothering him or doing too much too soon (which had been the pattern of many men before him). Then as we progressed into something exclusive and serious, we learned that presence does not ensure connection and adversely, you don't have to be present in order to maintain connection. When we each other's physical presence, we tended to get consumed with our own things and not necessarily spend time concentrating on each other. Every night that I was away from home, we would talk on the phone for at least an hour or more. That meant a full hour of being 100% concentrated on each other. We talked through a lot of things and, as a result, we grew much stronger in our trust in one another and created a strong foundation for a solid relationship.

The last transition to not traveling occurred six months after we got married. So, this past year has been a time of establishing a rhythm and flow to how we interact and operate around the house and life in general. Because of the travel time in the past, we learned to value the focused talk time so we still incorporate that type of interaction on a regular basis, only it's face-to-face. As a result, I find myself being 1000% free to be exactly who I am and know that I am fully loved and accepted. That was my biggest fear of marriage - that I would have to withhold parts of me and my habits because living with someone would bring judgment and impatience (after all - that's how my parents' marriage was...). But, thankfully, that has NOT been the case for us. So guess what? As I prepare to start to travel a little bit more, I am dreading it because it means being apart from my beloved!!!! I would have NEVER in a million years believed that I could become so attached to someone.

Ahhhh---the cycles of life.

I know what Michael and I have is precious and I am very aware of the pitfalls that probably lie ahead that will threaten to tear us apart. But, I pray that no matter what our circumstances or jobs or whatever, that we continue to pay attention and maintain our connection with each other. It's something I'm fiercely protective of and plan to do all that I can to make sure our connection continues to evolve and grow.

Now - I've got to figure out if I can stuff my body pillow in my suitcase so I don't feel TOO lonely when I try to fall asleep!!!

Thank you, Jesus, for bringing me into a life that supersedes any dream that I've ever had for myself. I pray you do the same for all of my dear friends.

What is up with that???

2006-12-18T21:15:00.000-06:00

I just don't understand.

A couple years ago is when I first noticed it - people sending Christmas cards/letters with photos featuring only their children. No adults anywhere!

WHAT IS UP WITH THAT????

I'm afraid it has to do with one of the main reasons why I hesitate to have children: It took me 30+ years to find my SELF. I don't want to lose ME by having children. I mean, come on. I was the parents' friend first. Yea - the kids are cute, but I want to see how my FRIENDS are doing!! I'm afraid what I'd see, however, are some pretty haggard people. If the sometimes-accompanying letters are accurate, then my dear friends are strung out, under-slept, over-spent and yet... in love with their kids.

I don't know - it's still a bandwagon I'm not too quick to jump onto. I'm happy for them, but I'm even happier with my self and my beloved and the life that we are creating together.
In the meantime, splash your face with cold water, pull your hair back or put on a ball cap and get in that picture with your kids, damn it!

Ya coulda felt a pin drop…

2006-11-25T22:30:00.000-06:00

Yep. I said that right because that's exactly what I did, only with a bit of a twist: I felt a dropped pin. That was the first step into 48 hours of hell. Here's the story.

It's Thanksgiving 2006 and I'm with my husband at his parents' house in Lawton, OK, which is three hours from our house in Tulsa. We've stuffed ourselves with turkey AND ham, sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, etc. (my mother-in-law grew up in a family of 11 kids so she still cooks enough to feed that many even though there are only five adults now) and I'm playing random games with our 6-year old niece, Kinsey. It's 9:30pm and I'm starting to get tired because I had gotten up at 4:00am that day to take my mom and sister to the airport for their trip to NYC. I tried to go back to sleep after that, but my REM had been interrupted so I was feeling a little out of whack. Plus, my stomach was feeling a little queasy. So, as I started getting ready for bed, Kinsey followed me to watch me wash my face and whatever else I do to get ready for bed. All of the sudden I felt a sharp pain in my right foot. I pulled my foot up and saw a straight pin stuck between toe #2 and #3. I put pressure on it to alleviate the pain and asked Kinsey to try and pull it out. It was so deep that she couldn't make it budge so she tried to twist it. THAT sent me through the roof so I had to yank it out myself. It went all the way to the bone. I didn't cry, but I had to fight hard NOT to.

I guess my father-in-law had dropped a box of pins a couple days earlier and even though they had vacuumed (do they not realize that only pushes the pins in deeper into the carpet??) there were obviously a few stragglers. Upon closer inspection, we found two others. I was just glad it was my foot and not Kinsey's!

Anyway, once that ordeal passed, I tried to calm myself down and go to bed. But then I started feeling really queasy. Was it the pain from my foot that was making me feel bad? I decided to sit on the toilet for a bit because I couldn't figure out if I needed to throw up or what. As I sat there, I heard a tap on the door and I answered, but milli-moments later I look up to see my father-in-law in the doorway and me pants down, white thighs hangin' out for the world to see. I laughed it off, but next thing I heard was my mother-in-law rippin' him a new one. ha!

An hour later, I knew it was time for something to erupt, and I barely made it to the toilet where I threw up. Ahhh… The stomach flu. Last time I had this was Thanksgiving 1998 at my Grandma's house! Ended up being a night of little sleep and a lot of trips to the bathroom.

We had intended to stay with Michael's parents through Sunday, but because I was feeling so terrible we decided to leave less than 24 hours after we'd arrived. In an effort to make it home without having to stop every 30 minutes (there aren't that many places to stop between here and there anyway), I took prescription-strength Imodium that my mother-in-law had. We made up a "bed" for me in the back of Michael's Jeep Liberty (see picture) and we headed for Tulsa. Fortunately, I made it home okay. However, if you're one who tends to be sensitive to bumps in the road, NEVER buy a Jeep of any kind.

As soon as we got home, I went in for a hot bath while my beloved husband unpacked the car. Then, I went to bed and covered myself in blankets to try and work through the fever chills. Around 3am, I woke up to sharp pains in my lower back. No matter what position I laid in, I was in extreme pain. I went into the living room and tried to sleep in the recliner, but that didn't help. I tried the couch – nothing. I did some stretches and that seemed to help a little bit, but still, all I wanted to do was sleep and the pain in my body was NOT letting me. I waited until 9am to wake Michael up and then told him that I thought I'd better go to the Minor Emergency Center because something was just not feeling right.

Turns out the Imodium had done its job TOO well and I was now constipated and my lower abdomen was distended. So, the doctor (a very young, rude, cocky doctor, I might add… I'm regretting I didn't call him on his attitude – although when he walked out of the room I said in an audible tone, "Thanks a lot, you cocky little sh**!") prescribed me a laxative and sent me on my way.

So, after 48 hours of misery, I ended up back to normal. MAN! You just never can predict these kinds of things, huh? But, I'm thankful that it happened over a holiday so that I didn't have to miss work, that there was humor amidst all of it and that I have a beloved husband who has been so patient and helpful through all of it.

Christmas 2006, here I come!

The 80/20 Principle

2006-11-15T10:24:00.000-06:00

We have a new Senior VP of our department - John. He's one of those guys that could easily retire at this stage in his life, but instead he continues to work and provide years of insight and wisdom everywhere he goes. Until yesterday, I had only spoken with him on the telephone because his office is at our corporate location in Alpharetta, Georgia. But even in just speaking with him on the phone, I've noticed his ability to assess a situation and provide solid solutions, and the way he encourages people without being patronizing.

While I’m sure in years past he could have been accused of being a workaholic, I think part of what makes him amazing now is that he acknowledges that people have limits. Contrary to what some executives would have their employees believe, – that you must give 200% or you ain’t gonna cut it – he takes another approach: the 80/20 principle.

This is how he defines it: 80% of the benefit should come from 20% of what you do. An adage that I have adopted lately that sort of contributes to this same idea is “Choose your battles.”

So what does all of this mean? Of course it’s up to personal interpretation, but this is what I am getting out of it:

* Before I dive into a project, conversation, – whatever – try to pull back and take a look at the big picture and ask these kind of questions:
1. Is this important to me?
2. Will it be a benefit to anyone other than me (i.e. EGO)?

* Does getting involved in this project take me away from other projects that are more important or valuable? (How many times have I taken on something else in order to procrastinate on something much more important either out of fear or boredom?)

* If I do it right, the effort that I DO put into the project will bring about four-times the results. “Work smarter, not harder.”

Another thing John has told me is that I need to learn how to say no. I’ve never had a problem with this in my personal life, but when it comes to my work I’ve never been in a situation where I thought I could get BY with saying no and not be accused of insubordination. But, now that I am working for a larger company with larger resources, I don’t necessarily HAVE to do things the budget way (read between the lines: take on more duties because we have no money to hire any one else). But even in looking back to previous jobs where resources were slim, there were probably ways that I could have set boundaries and refused to get myself involved. The clincher? If I were honest, I would say that I WANTED to take on that stuff so I could show off and prove to everyone just how capable I was so that they would think I was fabulous. But guess what happened every time? They took what I gave, accused me of either not doing enough, or something else that they thought was more important, and ended up throwing more on me which ultimately shot all glory and pride to hell! Wait a minute – I thought this was supposed to feel good?

So, this 80/20 principle seems to bring home a new lesson learned for me:

1. That I am in charge of my level of effort
2. When I believe that my time is valuable, I will choose to use that time for profitable things (or people)
3. The results will be tremendous AND I will still have enough energy left to enjoy the benefits!!

80/20. TRY IT!

I HATE LETTUCE

2006-11-13T17:37:00.000-06:00

Any of you that have known me for any length of time may currently know or may be reminded of the fact that I can not stand iceberg lettuce. So, this is not breaking news. But, I had an experience with iceberg lettuce today so it's on my mind AND my stomach!

For lunch today I went to the deli in the building and the special was Chicken Via Venta (tomato cream sauce with chunks of baked chicken over penne pasta) with garden salad. Ordinarily I would have told them to nix the salad, but they were busy and I forgot. In an attempt to try and do my body a favor, I went ahead and tried a few nibbles and ever since I've been regretting it. Now, my nostrils are being filled the the stench of old lettuce as it sits in my trash can.

Aren't you glad I shared? I'll try to make the next blog much more interesting. ha!

The art of God

2006-10-16T20:30:00.000-05:00

Wanted to post this picture of a sunset from last week. Our house faces west and every now and then we get to see something this spectacular! Awesome.

I lost it last week...

2006-10-11T10:17:00.000-05:00

I don't know what happened last Tuesday. I had just got out of a meeting and all of the sudden I felt as if my head was going to blow off of my body and that all of my insides were going to explode. I walked into my boss's office, shut the door and warned him that I was about to go female and then I BURST into tears. The sound that followed was like nothing I'd ever heard from my own body. I gave Mariah Carey a run for her money on the high note!

I think it was a succession of things from the past six months and for some reason last Tuesday was the day that it all came to a head. Let me preface this by making it very clear that my marriage is as close to perfect as a marriage could possibly be, so none of this is a reflection of Michael and me. BUT, I have always been and will continue to be more than a wife or half of a relationship. As a citizen of the world, I feel the pain all around me and the pressure that we're all under on a daily basis. School shootings, over half a million dead Iraqis in three years, our troops overseas, "successful" nuclear bomb testing, a president who doesn't necessarily incite confidence, baby stealers and mom murderers, child molestors... And that's only what I KNOW about. I hate to think of all the stuff that's being kept under wraps or unexposed, not to mention the doubt that half the stuff we hear is even true in the FIRST place!

Then there's work. Since I left for college 20 years ago I have been seeking for a specific purpose or call in life. I opted to major in Psychology because I had a natural inclination for figuring people out and listening to their stories. But I never wanted to pursue more education nor could I tolerate the idea of sitting and listening to people ALL DAY LONG, most of whom never have any intention in changing. So, after college I got a "job" and I'm still doing a "job" instead of pursuing a career. But at each "job" I've given so much of my SELF and always end up burned out and weary.

As the week progressed, I found myself snipping at my husband for ridiculous things. I couldn't blame it on PMS because it was period week. Typically for me once I get through PMS I'm "fine" the week OF, aside from cramps. But somehow I couldn't stop myself!

Finally on Thursday morning I'd had enough and I started praying to God for insight and understanding, plus telling Satan to go to hell. And that's when it hit me.

I have a friend whose nephew has been in the hospital fighting for his life for 13 of the 16 weeks of being on this earth. His mother has a blog on this same platform that I have been keeping up with for the past 10 weeks (jumped in a little late) and the process that she and her husband have been going through on a spiritual level is amazing [http://www.noahsteven.blogspot.com/]. It seems that through the process of her honestly sharing her struggles that I have been touched in my heart and have a similar passion as she does with regard to the need for our world to turn to God and cling to Him harder than ever. As a result, I have been praying more and seeking out the heart of God. Then WHAM! I feel as if I'm going to crack. And why? Because Satan KNOWS that he's losing and that pisses him off. So what does he do? He throws out self-doubt, discouragement, skewed perceptions, frustration, and many more negative, destructive things. And even though I'm connected directly to the one that is stronger than him, he STILL hooks me for a few days and makes me question everything that I know to be right and true.

Once I realized what was happening, I was able to get my footing straight and take charge of my world again. And, fortunately, my husband didn't take my bitchiness personally and my boss didn't freak out or make me feel like a fool.

So today (10/16) is my 38th birthday and right now I'm in my PJs writing this blog while my husband is in his office fiddling on the computer. We took three days off this week so that we could just chill out and not do anything we don't wanna. What a blessing! As I look back over the past year I am amazed by all of the blessings that God has poured over me and how he has protected me and those that I love. I am sure that I will have more moments like this past week when I temporarily lose my way, but I am totally confident that God will always get me back on track. Now if only I could figure out how to spread this message to others so that they too would know and feel the power of God... May this be a step in that direction.

My first public blog

2006-09-14T21:59:00.000-05:00

It seems that as I get older it becomes more important for me to feel heard and understood. This probably goes back to the fact that while growing up, neither of my parents took the time to hear me because they were too wrapped up in their own heads and drama to pay attention to much else.

So, now that blogging is the hip thing to do (is the word "blog" in Webster's Dictionary yet?), I decided to get on the wagon and see if anyone cares to read my thoughts whenever they strike. Guess we'll see...

My thought for the day? How beautiful it is when your place in life feels "right" in spite of the mystery surrounding the future. GOD IS GOOD!